


Make it to Christmas

by rosasdeesperanca



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Charles Xavier Needs a Hug, Charles Xavier has a Ph.D in Adorable, Christmas, Erik Has Feelings, Erik is also the most clueless person in this universe i think, F/F, M/M, but also tons of angst so be prepared, tons of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 43,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21652159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosasdeesperanca/pseuds/rosasdeesperanca
Summary: Charles is incredibly excited for the Christmas season and all the joy it brings. He’s also secretly pining for his best friend and it’s a question of how he will finally tell him how he truly feels.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier, Irene Adler (X-Men)/Raven | Mystique
Comments: 13
Kudos: 83





	1. December 2nd

**Author's Note:**

> this will work like an advent calendar that will last until the new year. point of views will alternate between charles & erik. next chapter on december, 5th. hope you will have a nice time!
> 
> (title inspired by the song make it to christmas by alessia cara)

December, 2nd

Charles woke up feeling joyful and giddy. It was the second day of December. 23 days away from Christmas. He had never loved the celebration that much as a kid, his last good memory of it when he was seven and his father was still alive after that he had good memories with Raven, yes. But nothing that would qualify as more than creating something out of loneliness and pain. As they grew up, they created new traditions, they learned to spend a good Christmas just by being together and eating whatever they wanted, doing whatever they wanted. This one would be different, now Raven was dating Irene and she was determined to spend a real family Christmas, and even if it was new and foreign, he was excited. He loved Irene and he would have done anything to make Raven happy so he was in for his first real Christmas Day since he was a child. 

He had already bought most of his presents, if anything he couldn’t resist buying presents, it was addictive. He was pretty sure Erik would want to murder him when he would open the many gifts and argue that he didn’t even celebrate Christmas then Charles would argue that they were, in fact, Hanukkah presents. It didn’t convince him much last year but that wasn’t anything discouraging for Charles. After all, he had a very few important people in his life might as well spoil them. 

When he arrived to school, he realised that his class of 9 year old kids were as excited if not more. Charles decided to give them time to write their wishes for Christmas and the next year on papers and let them read those if they wanted to on the last day before the Christmas break. He kept all the papers on a jar that looked so colourful now with the blue, pink, yellow, green pieces of papers. The day just flew away from him, and even though he was tired, he had fun teaching kids who were already so joyful at the idea of holiday festivities. He was about to leave his classroom when he looked up and noticed one of his pupils standing by his desk “Oh Jean! Do you need anything?”

She nodded “Can I sing a Christmas song tomorrow?”

“Of course.” He smiled “I’m quite impressed. I would have been so nervous at your age. Honestly I would be nervous now.”

Jean smiled shyly “I practiced a lot.” 

“I bet you did. Do you want to sing before or after the class?”

“After.” She played with her red curls “Thank you so much!”

“You’re welcome, see you tomorrow.”

Jean waved excitedly as she left. Charles sighed he really, really loved his job. And was truly thankful for his decision two years ago to apply in that school instead of becoming a professor. Previously, it had been his dream to teach at university, talk about science for hours, work at Columbia, help students find their way around it. But working with children made him learn so many things, made him grow and evolve as a person, and it had been the best choice he could have made. Every day reminded him of that, when his job was a source of happiness and growth he couldn’t complain. 

Still, when he arrived in his apartment he felt the exhaustion of the day falling on him and was almost asleep when someone knocked on his door. He reluctantly stood up and opened his door. Blinking when he saw Erik “Merry Christmas.” He joked with a sleepy voice. 

“Don’t even start.” He rolled his eyes as he got into the apartment “You look tired.”

“A little. I tried to come up with as many activities for the kids as I could find, it might have kept me up a few nights and also the evil multitude of streaming services are to blame.” 

“How’s your sleep schedule?” He asked seriously. 

Charles chuckled a little “Certainly better than it used to be.”

“Not hard to do. You really need some personal life coach.” 

This time Charles properly laughed “Well, I already have you for that. Don’t I?”

“Thankfully someone cares about your health here.” He pointed out. 

“So grateful for being called out every week.” 

Erik sighed as he fell on the sofa “I’m already tired of Christmas.”

“And you’re saying that in front of my huge Christmas tree and my “Merry Christmas” neon sign?” Charles rose his eyebrows. 

“Yeah let’s talk about it. Why did you put your tree already?”

Charles frowned “Because it’s December.”

“Can’t ever escape Christmas.” He said dramatically. 

Charles sat next to him “What’s so bad about it?”

“Uh, it’s everywhere, it’s commercial, it’s sappy and annoying, the Christmas cheer, the Christmas movies, everything is terrible about it.” He grimaced. 

Charles laughed, shaking his head “You don’t even like my Christmas cookies?”

“I don’t hate them.” Erik conceded. 

“You ate thirty of them last year.” 

“They were okay, I guess.” 

Charles gave him a look and Erik started to laugh. Without an actual reason, Erik started to tickle Charles. Which worked in a matter of seconds, he was very ticklish. He couldn’t stop himself from laughing, trying to fight back but failing. At some point Erik had mercy and stopped, looking down in victory. Charles grew very self conscious of Erik being on top of him, he could only stare. In a better world, this is when they would kiss, Erik would eat dinner with him, he would spend the night, they would wake up in the same bed and everything would be perfect. But he was in this world and in this world, Erik let go of him, chuckling, joking about how he knew his biggest weakness. Charles thought that no, he didn’t. That his biggest weakness would probably scare him away. That it did scare him, so much that he ignored it most of the time. 

He did the only thing he could do, he pretended everything was fine. And got up to make them hot drinks. He tried to focus on other things so he wouldn’t think about this and how it affected him more and more like he couldn’t ever escape it. And how could he? He saw him every week, they spent most of their free time together, it was impossible to escape his feelings. Once, he had been so good at it. When Erik was dating that girl, even though she was terrible, he was off limits. Now he was single but if anything, Charles didn’t have more chances and he probably never did. Yet, it didn’t stop him from feeling this way. His mind clearly had no notion of self preservation. He kept on telling himself that it was already good to be that close to someone he loved so much. Many people didn’t get so lucky. Erik was kind to him, he cared, he listened, he was there for him the way nobody had ever been except Raven. It was everything. The rest could be sad and overwhelming at times but he already knew he preferred to suffer a little and have Erik as his best friend than nothing at all. 

He came back with two cups and a smile. Erik looked so homely when he took the hot chocolate in his hands. He would never admit it to anyone but Charles but Erik actually really loved hot chocolate with tons of whipped cream and cinnamon. Mister dark coffee with no sugar was in fact, a huge softie who liked (in secret) sugary things. He smirked as he watched him take a spoonful of the whipped cream. When Erik saw him he rolled his eyes, shaking his head “Stop looking at me like that every time I drink one of your homemade hot chocolate.” 

“When it will stop being funny, then I will.”

“It was never funny.” 

“Yet, you are containing your laughter.” Charles pointed out. 

“I’m not.” He looked away. 

“Hm hm right.” He took a sip of his hot drink, deciding to change subject, looking at the window “It’s already snowing, that’s wonderful.”

He turned to look at him “I don’t know what’s so wonderful about it. Its impractical and even dangerous. Do you know how many people get injured because of snow every year? A fucking lot.”

“Me just thinks snow pretty.” Charles tilted his head. 

“So are golden poison frogs and they’re deadly.”

“They’re not pretty, they’re just yellow.” He laughed. 

Erik sighed in exasperation as Charles turned on the TV “These stupid hallmark Christmas movies are never stopping. Who even watches them?”

“Uh me?” He rose his eyebrows. 

“Of course.” He huffed “You know that technically you should be on the list of the people I hate?”

“Pretty long list, I recall.”

“It’s not too late for you to get there.”

“Go on then.” He teased. 

“As soon as I am home, I’m writing your name, you’ll be top of the list.” 

“What an honour, I’m so touched!”

Erik hit him with the first pillow he could find. 

“I won’t start a pillow fight with you, I want to be on the nice list this year.” 

“Santa banned you from that list a long time ago.”

“Pretty sure I did amazing this year. But go on and be hateful, Mister Scrooge.”

Erik rolled his eyes “Please, Mister Scrooge was highly misunderstood. Most of his actions were very logical.”

“Logical? He spent most of his life running away from his feelings and relying on money because he couldn’t form any real bond.”

“He focused on work. It’s way easier than it is to form bonds for some.” He shrugged. 

“In the end, he does form bonds and open his heart to joy and love.”

“Yeah because that’s a Christmas story. It wasn’t going to end with anything but a heartfelt message.”

Charles rolled his eyes “Ever so cynical.”

“Yeah and this movie is definitely not helping.” He pointed at the screen. 

“Okay you’re going to judge me but...I even like the Netflix ones. Like A Christmas Prince, they had a sequel where they get married, now there’s going to be one where they have a baby, it’s coming in three days Erik. Three days, I’m so excited!”

Erik couldn’t stop laughing, he fell from the sofa. It was contagious. Charles still managed to say “I’m serious!”

“Oh I know, that’s why it’s so funny!” He looked up at him laying on the carpet “They’re absolutely awful, Charles.”

“You haven’t watched any!” He argued. 

“And I never will.” 

“I can’t even convince you to watch one with me? Me, your best friend in the whole, entire world?” He pouted. 

“Don’t do that, it won’t work again.” Erik sat back on the sofa. 

“It worked many times before.” He winked. 

“But it won’t this time.”

“Oh come on! Just one!”

“No.” Erik said firmly. 

Charles took his hand, looking deep into his eyes “Please. That will melt your heart of ice.”

“I’m perfectly fine with my iceberg, thank you.” He retorted. 

“Please.” He pouted again. 

“And you will leave me alone?”

Charles nodded firmly. 

“Okay. One film.”

“Yay!” He exclaimed “I knew you would accept.”

“I should’ve never talked to you.” He massaged his forehead. 

“Technically, I talked to you first.” Charles pointed out. 

“I shouldn’t have answered.” 

Charles hit him with a pillow “Fuck off! Your life is so much better with me in it.”

“Yeah thanks for spilling my coffee all over the ground.” 

“I bought you a new one! I’m sure it was even better.” He argued. 

“Pretty sure it was almost identical.” 

“No, the one I bought you was filled with Christmas love.”

Erik grimaced “Terrible.”

Charles gave him the finger. 

“I prefer that to Christmas love.” He shrugged. 

“I don’t care. I still won. You’re watching a Netflix Christmas film with me. No one has that power, I’m that convincing.”

“You literally did nothing. You didn’t even defend your point.”

“And yet, you accepted.” He rose his eyebrows “Powerful.” 

“Just change the channel and let me forget I said yes.” 

“Alright, grumpy.” He smiled. 

Perhaps, some things weren’t perfect but it wasn’t such a bad place to be, Charles decided. It was still warm and good. He would be fine.


	2. December, 5th

December, 5th

Erik was walking fast, some would say he was running. He was supposed to meet Charles at this café but he was already thirty minutes late, some would also say he was always late recently, recently being those last five months. He always worked on a file for longer or a meeting extended for far longer than he intended. Charles accepted it, he understood. Still, he could feel it was not fair to make him wait all the time. 

He arrived out of breath to a table where Charles was busy reading a book, raising his eyebrows, looking at this watch “Wow, you’re only thirty three minutes late.”

Erik sat down, his heart still beating too fast. What was the point of running five mornings a week if he was still out of breath?

“Have you lost one of your lungs on the way?” Charles joked. 

“That’s a probability.” 

Charles chuckled “You didn’t have to run you know? You’re always a little late.” After the look Erik gave him, he rolled his eyes “Okay, you’re always really late. But that’s fine, see I got my book, I even finished grading. It’s all good.”

“You’re way too accepting. Can’t you just be mad at me?” He frowned. 

“Why would I be? You’re busy, I know it. Me being mad would be uncalled for. I know your job and I know you’re not doing it on purpose. It’s alright.” He shrugged. 

“You’re way too convenient.” He sighed “Anyway, what are you reading?”

“Okay don’t murder me but Little Women.” He showed the book “I know, I know. But it’s that time of the year.”

“I can’t believe this...again?” He shook his head “And I can’t believe you’re wearing your Mickey sweater right now.” 

“What?” He looked down at his sweater, touching the soft fabric “I love it.”

“It looks good on you, I’ll give you that.”

“Thank you.” He smiled “How was work?”

“Good, tiring. But I like it, it makes me feel like I did something useful when I’m tired at the end of day. You?”

“Oh, it was great.” He chuckled “The kids really loved the Mickey sweater.” He pointed out “One of them offered me a Christmas card today. That’s pretty early but it’s adorable, it says “Merry Christmas to the best teacher in the world!” Can you believe you’re seating in front of the best teacher in the world?” 

“No, I’m getting nervous. My palms are sweaty, I can barely breathe.”

Charles laughed “I really love those kids.” 

“I know you do.” He said affectionately “I wonder, would you like to celebrate Hanukkah with Mama & I, like last year? Not every celebration but some, would you like it?”

“Of course! I love spending time with you two and I love to know more about Hanukkah.” 

“Great, she kept on asking and talking about you all the time.” He rolled his eyes. 

“I see how hard it must be for you.”

“I’m joking.” He tapped on his hand, gently. Charles shivered a little. His hands were probably still cold, he thought “I really enjoyed to spend it with you last year.”

“I did too.” He smiled “I have nothing to do on Christmas Eve, Raven and Irene are going to a party. I might just spend the evening with you two.” 

“We would like that. There’s always enough Latkes for you.” He winked. 

“Don’t talk about Latkes. I’m already dreaming about it every night.” He sighed “I never tried it anywhere else but I’m convinced your mother makes the best Latkes.”

Erik nodded “I’ve tried it from other people and I can confirm she makes the best ones.” 

“I knew it.”

“Oh, by the way, I have an early Christmas present for you. And since I don’t believe in Christmas it’s rather fitting.” 

“I’m only thinking ‘yay present!’ so please gimme.” He smiled excitedly. 

“Okay, close your eyes first.” 

Charles obliged, still smiling. Erik rolled his eyes, taking the present out of his bag. 

“I hope it’s a pony.” He sighed dreamily. 

“It’s even better.” He gave the present to Charles. 

He opened his eyes, holding the stuffed animal to his chest “It’s a teddy bear! It’s so cute, it’s the best day of my life!” 

Erik laughed “What are you going to call it?”

“Hm let me think about it... Caramel Macchiato!”

“No.” He shook his head. 

“It’s my teddy bear. I can name it Caramel Macchiato if I please.” He held the beige stuffed animal protectively. 

“You’re not going to name it as the drink you spilled when we first met. That’s too sentimental, even for you.”

“Well, he’s my teddy so he gets to be as sentimental as I want him to be and there’s no one who can stop me.”

“Oh now it’s a boy.” He sighed. 

“Yeah. Technically he was your boy first. Face it, Erik. We are Caramel Macchiato’s parents.” 

“You’re so annoying.” He laughed. 

“I know.” He smiled smugly “That’s why you like me so much.” 

Erik rolled his eyes “Yeah, that’s probably why.” 

“Caramel macchiato...” Charles looked at the teddy bear that was now seating on the table “Your dad is having an attitude, don’t ever act like him.”

He rose his eyebrow, snorting. 

“You see, not an example to follow.” He shrugged. 

“Can’t believe I’m friends with someone who talks to toys in public spaces.” 

“You’re stuck with me forever now.”

Erik shook his head, smiling. 

Charles held the teddy bear one last time before he put it in his bag “But really, thank you. That’s probably the best gift I’ve ever had.”

Erik shrugged “It’s nothing, really. Just made me think of you.”

“So I remind you of a teddy bear?”

“Is that surprising?” He teased. 

“Not really.” He admitted “I love it so it’s fine. I’m good with teddy bears we get along just well.”

Erik ordered an espresso and forgot about his buzzing phone and turned it off. He focused on helping Charles with a very tricky crossword instead he always did the one from the journal. Erik admired that, he never missed a day. That was pure dedication. He got to think that Charles was like that for everything, he never gave up on people or things. He always did the best he could and that’s what Erik truly admired about him. They kept on talking for an hour before Erik asked him to leave to his apartment and spend some time there instead. It’s not that Erik didn’t like being around people but after a whole day of social interactions, he really didn’t like being around people. He couldn’t wait to be in the safety and warmth of his home. Thankfully he only lived ten minutes away. 

They walked under the cloudy sky, both of Erik’s hands in his pocket, Charles wearing his fingerless gloves. It already felt like winter and it wasn’t even that cold. It just felt like it. Mostly he longed for the Hanukkah celebrations, it was such a wonderful time for him and his mother. He still loved to do everything, light the menorah, sing the songs, give presents and yes, definitely the food. Last year, Charles spent some nights with them and Erik has been so happy. He’d never had a non Jewish friend that was so interested in his faith and traditions before. Charles had gladly participated to everything. His mother was still ecstatic about it. But then again, his mother talked about Charles like he put the stars and moon in the sky at night. Erik trusted his mother with that, she always saw right through people and he was happy that she loved him as much as he did. That she had accepted him even faster than he did into his life. 

When they arrived, Erik sighed. Peace and quiet until tomorrow. Charles took of his coat and walked to the fireplace, a slight frown on his face. Erik followed him as he saw the frown turn to a smile. He was looking at picture of them Erik took when they went on a short trip. 

“You framed this picture?” Charles smiled warmly as he held the picture in his hands.

The picture was pretty recent, from this October when Erik drove Charles to the lake he went to when he was still a teenager. They had slept in tents for two days. It had been one of the best trips of his life, he had never felt so calm and peaceful. People usually assumed that Charles couldn’t stop talking which was, honestly, true but when you started to spend a great amount of time with him you found that he could deal with silence in the most gracious way. They could just sit by the water or a camp fire together, barely exchanging a word, few looks and smiles and Erik would feel more at home and understood than he ever did with anyone else. He kept only fond memories of that particular time. And when they got back to New York, he printed every picture he took there, carefully put them in order in a photo book. He liked this one particularly because the scenery was perfect, the autumn colours, leaves everywhere, sun still high and bright somehow, a few clouds and mostly the two of them smiling, the most genuine smile Erik could remember. So, he framed this one and call him sentimental but the picture stood proudly in his living room with other few cherished items. He always wanted to remember that moment in his life. 

“Of course.” He answered, smiling too “We had a wonderful time.”

“We did.” He nodded, still holding the picture “Could I get a copy of that one?”

“Yes. I can print it right now.”

Charles looked up at him, smiling brightly “You’re the best.”

Erik smiled back before he went to his little office. He had only created this space six months ago and Charles playfully made fun of him, telling him he was becoming a real business man now. Mostly, it had been incredibly useful, work had become an even bigger part of his life, he needed a space to completely focus and be the most efficient he could be. He probably overworked himself too but he had struggled so much as a teen, trying to help his mother, working two jobs. He valued having a job that provided both money for his mother and him and a sense of accomplishment. Because above all, he loved his job. He loved to work on cases that everybody gave up on, he loved to help people who just like him, struggled to be seen and heard. He looked fondly at the pictures that came out of the printer. All of them shined with a joy and freedom he had barely known in his life, something so pure and genuine it amazed him. 

When he came back to the living room, he found Charles on his sofa with a cup of tea, he couldn’t help but chuckle a little. He didn’t waste any time asking for anything anymore. After all, why would he? He spent so much time here. He had painted the walls in his kitchen and bedroom, he had helped Erik move and pretty much lived there. In fact, it was highly possible that Charles knew his apartment better than him at this point. He sat down next to him “I printed other pictures too. The one of you cutting mushrooms is one of the only thing I would call adorable.”

Charles put his cup down, holding the photographs “I almost forgot you took a picture of that.” He laughed “I do look adorable. I’m officially leaving New York and going to live in the forest.” 

“You’re going to freeze to death but I support you in your new lifestyle.”

“I won’t freeze now that I know all of your forest survival techniques.” He smiled proudly. 

“Right. Go on then Robinson Crusoe.” 

“I’m mentally preparing my bag as we speak.” 

Erik laughed “You’re insufferable.” 

“Using big words aren’t you?” He rose his eyebrows “Please come to the school and show the extent of your great vocabulary to the kids.”

He snorted “They saw me for two seconds last time and you said most of them called me scary.” 

“Well you kinda were that day.” 

“Try to deal with idiots on the regular. It does that to you.” 

Charles gave him a look “Right.” 

“Don’t make me fight you with pillows again.” He threatened. 

Charles looked unimpressed at best before his phone started to ring “Ah that’s my cue.”

Erik frowned “You have to go?”

He nodded “Raven is coming over to try on outfits for the Christmas Eve party. Many outfits knowing her.”

“Doesn’t she have a girlfriend for that?”

“Well, that’s the issue. She keeps her outfit a total secret until that night. So no Irene involved in picking the right thing to wear.”

Erik rolled his eyes “Why did I even ask? Of course.”

“She has to be the life of the party.” He shrugged as he got and put on his coat. 

Erik chuckled “Tell her blue is her colour and to put gold in her hair.”

“Will do.” He smiled as he hugged Erik “Come by my place when you can so we can watch that Christmas film together.”

Erik sighed “You didn’t forget.”

“Absolutely not. See you there.” He said before he was out of the door. 

Erik really didn’t know why he accepted that or what he got himself into but he was about to find out.


	3. December, 7th

December, 7th

Charles had been lying on his carpet for a while. Pondering about what he should do next. Should he tell Erik about how he felt? Should he wait? Was it the right time? And most importantly what should he eat tonight? All of that made him feel like his brain was a gummy bear with no real form of intelligence because he had no idea what to do. His mind always stopped when he thought about making a decision. He could only decide on one thing: he was completely lost. He really didn’t want to ruin his only good friendship. He really didn’t want to be the one that makes the relationship turns awkward and then as time goes by you get further away from the other. But he also felt that it had lasted for far too long, he had always felt more than friendship for him. It was about time he said something. It was about time he finally found enough strength to be honest to Erik and himself. 

He was lost in thoughts when Erik knocked on his door. He knew it was him, he was the only person who knocked. Always three times with the same rhythm “Come in.” He said loudly enough for him to hear. 

When Erik got into the room and saw him, he rose his eyebrows, snorting “What the fuck are you doing down there?”

“Checking if my carpet is soft enough. What do you think?”

Erik shook his head before he laid next to him, he sighed as he looked up “Nice ceiling.”

“Do you think I should get some moulding up there?”

Erik nodded “Could be nice.”

Charles took a breath “I think I’m having a mid life crisis.”

He laughed “You’re 29, Charles.”

“Yeah and if I die at 60, this is the middle of my life.”

He rolled his eyes “You’re becoming more dramatic than me.”

“That’s impossible but okay.”

Erik hit his shoulder “Hey! I’m not the one laying on the floor.”

Charles looked at him, raising his eyebrows “Well, technically you are.”

“Because you were being all cryptic laying there to begin with!”

“Still.” He smirked “We’re on the same boat.”

“If you say so.” He rolled his eyes “Are we going to remain there forever?”

“Yes.” Until I finally am brave enough to tell you what I needed to tell you for some time now, he thought. 

For a moment they just stayed on the carpet, not saying a single word. Charles really wished he could just stay there and not face anything because he was certainly not ready for any of it. He felt safe in the perfect silence until Erik spoke again “Seriously Charles, if you keep on laying there I’m going to fall asleep.”

“Okay, I’m getting up.” And he did but a little too fast, he felt dizzy and almost fell. 

Erik was right there to catch him, his face looking down at him with a concerned frown “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, thanks to you.” 

“I mean. In general, are you okay?”

He looked away “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Erik rose his eyebrows, still holding one of his shoulders “Really?”

“Come on.” He chuckled “Don’t look at me all concerned.”

“Are you sleeping enough? Eating enough? Is somebody bothering you?”

Charles rolled his eyes “Not again...Everything’s fine I swear.”

Erik let go of him and folded his arms across his chest, looking completely unimpressed. 

“Erik, I assure you. Just sit down on the couch and I’ll make us hot chocolates. Alright?”

For a moment he only stood there, trying to figure what the real problem was. But then Charles noticed the moment where he gave up. He nodded and sat down. 

As soon as he was in the kitchen. He chided himself, what was he doing? He wasn’t handling this well at all. That’s when he decided that no matter what, he needed to say it. He needed to openly talk about his feelings. He needed to say it because it was too heavy for him. He decided that until then, he would go for the small talk “How was your day?”

“Good. A client offered me a plant.”

Charles laughed “Again?”

“Yeah, soon my office will become a real greenhouse.”

Charles smiled and focused on melting the chocolate. It was always something that calmed him, for a moment he only needed to think about completing his task. Recently, it seemed that he did that a lot, focusing on something to forget about everything else. Until Erik’s voice broke him out of this state. 

“Oh by the way...” he turned around to look at Charles “I’m going on a date next Tuesday.”

Charles frowned “A date?” 

“Yeah, turns out I can still go to those things.” He chuckled “There’s this woman, we go to the same synagogue. My mother knows her mother, you know how that works and well, she asked me on a date, on Friday after dinner so...I’m going on a date.” 

“That’s great.” He lied, well it was great but not for him. He was supposed to make his move and now...well it seemed pointless “Do you like her?”

Erik shrugged “I don’t know. She’s smart, pretty, interesting. My mother likes her and I mean I like her but I don’t know if I really like her.” He laughed “Sounds childish doesn’t it? I just think I haven’t dated in a while and I’m getting old my mother is frustrated with me she wants a wedding and grandkids and...everything! Maybe we will hit it off and I will get to like her.” 

“You’re not getting old.” He chuckled “But do you want to get married and have kids?” 

“Yes, not now but in a near future, that would be something that I want.”

Charles came into the room with the two cups “I never thought you believed in marriage. You’re so cynical about so many things.”

“It’s not that I believe in marriage. I believe in something that has a possibility to work. You know being equals, knowing each other, wanting the same thing at the same time. That makes a marriage work.”

Charles frowned “You believe that’s what make a marriage work?”

“Yes. What else?”

“I don’t know, love, dedication, care and search for mutual happiness? You make it sound like it’s a perfect equation. Sometimes you don’t want the same thing, you make compromises because you love the other. And it’s not easy, it’s incredibly hard but like any good thing in life. I don’t think you can predict if it’s going to work, you can only try to make it work.” Charles explained. 

Erik chuckled, shaking his head “You truly are a romantic.”

“It’s not that. I mean yes, I can be. I’m really not an expert at that.” He laughed self deprecatingly “I just think that a marriage should always be based on love and then you have all the trust and dedication and working towards something. But that should be second, every marriage should be based on a sincere love that makes you want to do better and make efforts for the rest of your life.”

“That’s kind of a beautiful notion.” He took a sip of his hot chocolate. 

Charles shrugged “Well, I wrote a book. About science but still a book.” 

“You did.” He laughed “Start your film before I have second thoughts and run away.”

“Oh yeah.” Charles took the remote “Sorry, here we go.” 

Erik sighed “Don’t know why I accepted this.”

“Because you like me?” He smiled. 

Erik rolled his eyes “Yeah.”

After that they watched The Holiday Calendar in silence, until Erik took a long breath and said “This is so predictable. She’s definitely going to end up with her best friend. Let me guess, she’s going to find another man who’s uptight and classier and then realise that she loves her best friend?”

“Alright. It’s predictable. It’s a Christmas movie, not Fight Club.”

“I thought Fight Club was rather predictable.” 

“Me too. Let’s just watch without our brains alright?” He tilted his head, side looking the screen. 

“If you say that we should watch with our hearts. I might throw up.”

Charles laughed “I wasn’t going to say that. Just watch the film.”

Erik sighed and nodded. He still said “Ah ah.” When the classier, uptight man came up but outside of that he remained quiet for most of the film. Charles smiled, he really liked this one, the first time he had watched it with Raven. Of course, now she was way less in his apartment, she had moved in with Irene and when they weren’t working they were almost always together. Charles was truly happy for her, Irene was a very kind and calm person, exactly what Raven needed. He just liked to remember last Christmas, when they just watched tons of Christmas films and ate tons of sugary things. Both desperately wanting to avoid remembering past Christmases. Now he was watching it with Erik and he wished he could tell him how he truly felt because in that moment, he was sure he loved him. He had been sure for a while now. Erik seemed focused on the film, frowning at times, very close to laughing other times. 

He was both at his most peaceful and miserable state with Erik seating next to him. He repeated to himself that what he had was good enough over and over again but it was never enough to stop his heart from saying the contrary. He would always feel a little outside of his body, not being able to properly let a part of him live out in the sun. It was a sweet kind of torture one that he could endure to have Erik in his life. 

Charles tried to focus on the film too, he really loved the ending. He never really had a family except for Raven, seeing people coming together and enjoying their time together warmed his heart, once it had made him sad. Now, he truly knew how to appreciate it, how to be at peace with the notion that even though he never really got it, that was something beautiful. This Christmas would be different, he could feel it and in that moment he really felt lucky. Spending this day with everyone he loved was truly something he valued more than anything. 

When the film ended, Erik remained silent and Charles left a little chuckle “So did you like it?”

Erik cleared his throat “Well...it was not that bad.”

“Wow, coming from you it’s a huge compliment.” 

He playfully hit his shoulder “Don’t make me regret it.”

Charles smiled “Never.” He yawned and looked at his watch “It’s already 10.”

“Time flies when you have to watch a Christmas movie.” He rolled his eyes. 

“I wish I could say something snarky but I’m too tired for that.” 

“I’ll let you rest.” He said softly as he got up. 

“Rest well too. Please don’t work as soon as you get home.” 

“Can’t promise you anything.”

“Please.” He begged “I don’t even know how you can look so put together when you’re constantly working.”

“Special talent.” He smiled “I promise to be in bed before midnight.” 

“Good.” He closed his eyes “Good night. Tell your mother I think she’s the best person on this planet.”

“Will do.” He laughed “Good night, Charles.”

And in a minute, he was gone. Charles sighed to himself. It wasn’t so bad, he could be okay with that. He just needed to get okay with that idea and wish the best for Erik. Hope he would find someone he loved and remember their friendship meant more to him than anything else. It was going be hard to be perfectly okay with this but he was going to try.


	4. December, 8th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m really really late. sorry, health got in the way but i get to post three chapters and the rest will hopefully come in time. hope everyone is having a nice day or evening ♡

December, 8th 

Erik had kept his promise and went to sleep thirty minutes before midnight which had the pleasant result of him feeling well rested in the morning. He gladly started baking muffins for his mother, well his mother and the friends she would probably invite when he wasn’t there. The friends that still pinched his cheeks and complimented him in Yiddish even though he wasn’t twelve anymore. But to be honest, he had hated it just as much when he was twelve. 

Most Sundays were spent with his mother, she still lived in the same small house she bought with his father. It was forty minutes away from New York but Erik always drove all the way, he never missed it if he could help it. Spending time with her always boosted him for the whole week to come, she was a constant source of love and support in his life. She had always been there for him, they could always rely on each other. Since his father had died when he was fourteen, he had learned to make sacrifices to help her, the way she made sacrifices for him all her life. All this time, she had been a constant in his life. No matter what was happening, he always had his mother. Willing to listen, always caring, always patient with him. She taught him so many things. He was grateful for all of them. Even the bad times. 

When the muffins were ready, he dressed simply. Light white sweater and jeans instead of all the usual suits. His mother almost never saw him in those, he either saw her at home or at the synagogue, she only did when she visited him. This Sunday, he felt light and calm. The stress of the week fell off his shoulders and he was on his way to go. 

There was a thing about him, he loved to drive. For hours, with or without music, with someone or on his own. Although, if he was honest he loved to be on his own best. And Focus on the road, he always felt in control of his mind and body. He had always loved that, maybe a little too much. Certainly, it felt like it recently in his life. Everything was so perfectly timed and thought over. There were no real surprises, nothing he didn’t expect. Except for Yelena, asking him on a date. But even that didn’t come as a surprise more as something that came at the right time. And as anxious as he was about it, he was also glad that she did because he knew how much his mother wanted him to have his own family and he couldn’t think about someone with more shared values and traditions than her. He tried not to think about anything else for the moment. He tried to focus on positive things, not his fears. He really tried to see the bigger picture.

When he arrived, his mother welcomed him with a smile and a warm hug like she always did. She instantly asked him what he had for lunch and gave him a lecture when he said he only had a sandwich, telling him she didn’t raise him for all of these years for him to take such poor care himself. He sighed as he sat at the table, and Charles wondered how he could be this overly protective. 

“What’s the point of earning so much money a year if you can’t even eat properly?” Edie said, hands on her hips. 

“I usually do. I promise. I was just busy baking for you.” He smiled.

She couldn’t help but smile too “That won’t work every time. But thank you. Chocolate chips and nuts?”

He nodded “Some are without nuts. For your friend who’s allergic.” 

She shook her head, smiling before she opened the fridge “You are such a sweet boy.”

“Please don’t say that in front of anybody.”

“Too late. They already hear that every time they come.” 

“Mama, no.” He hid his face “I’m not even a boy anymore.”

“Well, you’re still my boy.” She pointed out. 

“Right.” 

“Now, eat that very nutritious and healthy salad that I made.” Edie let down the plate in front of him. 

“I’m really not-“

“Eat.” She rose her eyebrows “Do it sound like a question to you?”

She might have been small and skinny but Erik was still as impressed as he had been as a kid. He didn’t say another word and started to eat. She smiled proudly and sat in front of him. 

“So how was your week?” Edie asked. 

“Good. Tons of work, still managed to see Charles a lot. We even watched one of those terrible Christmas movies.” He grimaced “Oh, and I got asked on a date.”

Her eyes widened “When?”

“That Friday. I was on Shabbat service and Yelena was with me most of the time. And when we got out of the synagogue, she asked me on a date next Tuesday.”

“That’s wonderful. I always thought she liked you.” 

“Really?” Erik frowned “I had no idea.”

Edie nodded “I just didn’t think you liked her that way.”

“Well...I don’t. Not yet, but I could. She’s a beautiful, interesting woman.” 

“She is. And her family is great. But if she remains a friend, that is good too. Don’t overthink it, I know you’re already doing that.”

He sighed “Okay yeah...I just keep on thinking about what you said. About how you wanted me to be happy and have my own family. And I think she could be the one, for that.” 

“I want you to be happy, it’s true. And I want you to have your own family. But nothing has to be rushed.” She took his hand “Okay?” 

Erik nodded. He finished his salad in silence as Edie focused on the TV from the other room. He knew she only wanted him to be happy but he still felt strange about the whole thing. Like something in him wasn’t in the right place and he couldn’t say what it was exactly. 

Later, they were sitting on the couch, eating muffins and watching a documentary about lions. Erik felt incredibly safe and calm, like he always did.

“Oh..” he laughed “I just remembered Charles said that I should tell you you are the best person on the planet.”

She smiled affectionately, bringing her hands to her heart “What a sweetheart, why didn’t he come?”

“He’s going to the theatre with his sister.” 

“Then text him that I hope he’s having a great time and I miss him.”

“You seriously have a better friendship with him than I do.” He laughed. 

“Get on my level.” She winked as she got up to bring them tea. 

“Not possible.” He smiled. 

Erik sighed to himself if every day could be like his Sundays with his mother, everything would be way easier. That’s when he realised, he was a little overwhelmed with everything, his job, the date, what Charles told him. About dating someone because he wanted to, because he really liked them. But he also got to think that in his life, he had never truly been in love. He had loved his girlfriends but he never thought that one of them was the love of his life or the woman he would like to end up with. Perhaps his notion of what marriage should mean got cold. He used to believe he would find a love like his mother and father, now he didn’t. He only wanted his mother to see him succeed, get married and for her to have grandkids. Perhaps, Charles was right. He couldn’t just make a marriage work with logic and shared values. He knew that and yet, he felt that was all he could reach. If he had never truly fell in love with anybody why would it change? He was thirty two, it was time for him to grow and realise he had to aim for something he could have. They had many things in common, he could grow to like her even love her. Maybe, he was right that was not really enough for a marriage. But he kept on going back to this: his mother gave everything for him and he really wanted to give her the joy of seeing him married and for her to have grandchildren. 

It was frightening and determining at the same time. He knew that until his date he had to pull himself together and focus on what he truly wanted. Finding something that worked with him and mostly make his mother happy. When Edie came back with two cups and a smile, he knew exactly what he had to do.


	5. December, 10th

December, 10th

Charles had finished his class earlier than he thought he would, this morning. Which meant he had all this time for himself, knowing he had the whole day. It was a strange feeling. Not even knowing what to do. And then, he remembered that Tuesday was always a busy day for Erik and he always barely had time to eat. He decided to pass by his favourite restaurant. Sure, it was a little far away from both the school and Erik’s office. But he had time and he was pretty sure that Erik was anxious about tonight. And even though the thought made him a little miserable, he did his best to be happy for him. 

He was glad to find that server that he really liked was there. He was always so nice and while the cook prepared Erik’s bagel, he had time to talk about what had been going on in their lives and he felt lighter afterwards. Walking with his bag to the building where Erik worked, he almost felt free. Yes, he was a little sad but he would be okay. He was sure of it. 

He arrived with a smile, talked to Emma briefly and directly went to Erik’s office. He opened the door to find him completely focused on his computer. 

When he looked up, Erik smiled “Charles! What are you doing here?”

“Just came by for lunch.” He shrugged with a smile “You always say you barely have time to eat on Tuesday so I decided to come by and bring food to you.”

“You’re amazing...” He whispered, looking at the bag “Is that from the kosher bagel place? You’re heaven sent!” He held him tightly “I love you so much!”

Charles closed his eyes, feeling like his heart was breaking, he really really wished Erik loved him the way he loved him but he only smiled as he let go and said “I love you too.”

Erik him to sit at his desk, smiling like a little kid as he opened the bag “You got my favourite!”

“Of course.” He nodded. 

“You didn’t take anything for you?” Erik frowned. 

“Oh, there’s a muffin. I wasn’t really hungry.” 

Erik sighed, Charles just knew he was in for another lecture. His hands were already on his hips, here we go again, Charles thought “We already talked about this, you cannot treat yourself so poorly. You must get your three healthy meals a day. And don’t roll your eyes, healthy means tea is not a meal, cakes are not a meal, crisps are not a meal, an apple is not a meal. I swear you will make me go grey before I hit my forties.” He massaged his forehead “You’re coming over tonight, I’m cooking something decent for you.”

Charles frowned “You have a date tonight, don’t you remember?”

“Oh fuck, you’re right!” He stood up, pacing “How do I look?”

“A little stunned and weirdly surprised.” 

“I mean do I look good?” He pointed at his suit. 

“You always do.” He shrugged to make it sound casual “Don’t worry, she probably already thinks you’re gorgeous. You just have to go there, sit at that table and make conversation for an hour or two.” 

Erik sat down, sighing “I haven’t done this in so long.”

“I know. But you’re going to do great.” He touched his hand, making sure the touch didn’t last too long “Now eat your bagel before it gets cold and you don’t have time to eat it.”

“Right...right.” He nodded, taking a bite of his bagel “I don’t know what I would do without you.” 

“You wouldn’t eat lunch and you would forget your date.” He smiled. 

Erik laughed “You are truly the best friend I‘ve ever had.”

“Really? I thought it was this boy who offered you a friendship bracelet in fifth grade?” He tilted his head. 

“Yeah but you beat him to the first place.”

“So grateful.” 

They ate in silence until Erik’s phone started to ring, he looked at it and rolled his eyes “Not him again.”

Charles didn’t even have time to ask who was calling that he was already on the phone talking in German. If there was one thing Charles loved it was Erik getting angry in his mother tongue. It was both the most amusing and sexiest thing in this world and he absolutely adored it. The fact that he understood most of the insults and curse words said a lot about how many times he encountered angry German Erik. He truly wasn’t complaining and just kept on watching the show. Unfortunately, it didn’t last for long and soon enough Erik’s phone was dropped on his desk as he said “Ich will ihn umbringen.”

“Wow that’s rather definitive.” Charles smiled. 

When he looked over at him, Erik’s expression changed in a second “Sorry for screaming. He’s trying to fuck us over.” He sighed, smiling softly “Are you done for the day?”

Charles nodded “Hm, hm. Kids are playing football this afternoon.”

“Good. What are you going to do?”

“Grading. At least I’ll be done with it.” He pouted “Aren’t you supposed to be in a meeting right now?”

Erik finished half of his bagel “Yeah. He’s just late. As always.” 

“Look at you, it’s only 1pm and you’re already done.” He chuckled. 

“Welcome to my life. Thank God, I love this job because I want to murder at least two people every day. Just a bunch of useless idi-“

“He’s just arrived. Waiting for you in the meeting room.” Angel entered Erik’s office. 

He rolled his eyes “You see? Fifteen minutes late as fucking always.” 

“At least, he came this time.” Angel pointed out then smiled at Charles “Hey, Charles! How are you doing?”

“Great.” He smiled back “Just passed by to bring lunch.”

“Oh, you’re such a sweetheart. Where can I get one like you?”

“I’ll bring something for you next time.” He promised. 

She looked over at Erik with a smug expression “He truly is too good for you.”

“May I remind you that I’m still your boss?” He stood up as Angel was rolling her eyes. He walked over to Charles to gently touch his shoulder as he said goodbye and then he was gone. 

Charles stayed for a while, talking to Angel. She was really excited about visiting her sister for Christmas and it made him happy to see her so excited. They talked about their plans and wishes. He was also glad that she finally had time for herself, she had been working constantly with Erik working even more she had to adapt really fast. Finally having a week without work and the stress that came with it was something she most definitely needed. He warmly said goodbye and was on his way to the coffee shop. 

After he got his drink, he sat by the window and started to grade so he wouldn’t have to for the whole week and he could finally find some rest. He had learned that procrastination always led to exhaustion. And he really didn’t need more exhaustion in his life. He was completely focused until he stopped grading to work on a paper he had really wanted to write. When suddenly someone tapped on his shoulder “Charles?” 

Charles’ eyes grew twice as big, it was Karen, Erik’s ex girlfriend. It really, really, really wasn’t his day today. Wasn’t it? He mentally sighed and did his best to smile “Karen! How are you?”

“I’m fine. Still working at that school?”

Oh, that condescending tone that he hated “Yes, still there.”

She sat in front of him “Honestly I always thought you should become a professor, you have the title.” She shrugged “You could easily work at Columbia or Brown.”

“Well, I just really like working at that school. Who knows what the future hold?” He forced a smile. 

She smiled, sipping at her coffee “Still single?”

He rolled his eyes, mentally. ‘Still pining over your ex-boyfriend so it seems’ he thought. Thank God, they weren’t together anymore, she had a tendency to make him feel worthless. That didn’t change “Yes.”

“That’s too bad, I hope you will find someone. I started dating someone five months ago and the way I see love is completely changed. You know when you find the right person.”

Charles nodded, faking another smile “That’s great for you.”

“How’s Erik doing?” She asked. 

“He’s good, busy, successful, dedicated. Like he always is.” 

“Sounds like him.” She nodded “Well...” She was looking for a way out, it was clear and man, did he understand her in that moment. 

“You must be busy.” 

She looked at her watch “Oh yes, it was great to see you again.”

“Likewise. Merry Christmas!” 

“Merry Christmas!” She waved.

Charles had never felt the phrase “Fuck my life” more in his existence. He couldn’t wait to wallow in his bed, watching the cheesiest Christmas film he could find, after this day he really deserved it. But as he left the coffee shop, he found out that he would have to wait several hours before it could happen, Raven was coming over. 

Later, he was on his sofa, listening to all of her plans for the Christmas Eve party, how she would dress, the outfit she could buy for Irene. Then tried to convince him (again) into coming as he refused (for the hundredth time) she pouted saying it wouldn’t be the same without him. Truth is Charles still kept his distance with any kind of party, club, bar. He was really determined to stop drinking and only accepted to come to Erik’s firm Christmas party because he wanted to show support and trusted himself around Erik. He really didn’t, in a busy party full of people who were often younger than him and drank like their lives depended on it. He always ended up with a drink in your hands and he had worked too hard to end up making the same mistakes. He listened to Raven as she named people who would attend the party and at the sound of a name Charles couldn’t help but make a grimace. She frowned “What?”

He laughed nervously “I didn’t tell you because I know you but once we were out with Erik and some of his friends and he...well he thought it was playful, they always do. He called me the f slur.” He scratched his head “So yeah...”

“I hope you beat his ass.”

“I didn’t, two minutes later Erik punched him. I feared he might have broken his nose but thankfully he didn’t.” 

“Thankfully?” She frowned. 

“It would have definitely ended up at the police station and I really didn’t want Erik to be in trouble.”

“Yeah.” She pondered “But getting your nose broken because you used a slur that wasn’t yours is way too satisfying. Can I at least tell Erik that he was my hero for a hot minute?”

He chuckled “You can definitely tell him that. I hope he won’t have a seizure with the shock.”

“What? I praise him sometimes.”

“You mean you tease him pretending you’re impressed with whatever he’s doing?”

“That’s not praise?” She rose her eyebrows. 

Charles laughed, shaking his head “I don’t even know why I bother with you two.”

“You wouldn’t survive without us.”

“True. But I also would know some peace and quiet.”

“Overrated. You would get bored.” She shrugged. 

“Also true.” He admitted. 

“Have you seen him today?”

“Passed by his job with lunch.” Charles said casually. 

Raven looked at him, making a face he only knew too well already. 

He sighed ”You want to say something, just say it.”

“You act like you’re his boyfriend which you would probably be if you told him how you feel.” 

He snorted “I doubt that.”

“Yeah because you’re insecure in all your relationships.”

“Didn’t ask for a therapist.”

“Let me finish. But I can assure you that you will be happier once you let yourself live for once instead of trying to be perfect and exactly what you think people wants from you. Think about what you want for once.”

“I want to stop having this conversation.” 

“You see.” She pointed out “That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

“Listen, Raven.” He sighed “I’m really tired and I just want to crawl in bed and eat something that is qualified as junk food not getting analyzed by my sister.”

“Okay, whenever you’re ready to properly accept your feelings, I’ll be there.” She kissed his forehead “Have fun with your pity party.”

“Love you.” He said as she left.

Charles knew she was right, he couldn’t go on like this forever. But making a move now that Erik was starting to see someone felt wrong and selfish. He couldn’t just drop that on him now that he was trying to build something for himself. And Charles was sure that if Erik was happy in his relationship, he would accept it. It would be hard, yes. But not unbearable. He could do it. Erik deserved to be happy and if he was with someone else. He will learn to be okay with it. All that he hoped for was that he wasn’t forcing himself into something to fit an ideal. In the last two years, he had never talked about marriage or kids. He hadn’t even been in a hurry to date someone else when he broke up with Karen. He was quite concerned about that, he was always trying to overachieve and he was scared to see that he didn’t take his feelings into consideration in this. And if it was what he feared, he will say something. It will definitely make him angry because he truly hated to have someone telling him he was in the wrong but he would because if anything, he didn’t want Erik to be in something that didn’t bring him any love or joy. Perhaps, Erik will be mad at him but he wouldn’t let him fall into something that wouldn’t make him happy. 

He was determined to follow through with this when he was lying on his couch, watching the sappiest Christmas film he could find. He was determined to make him understand that if he wasn’t feeling anything, he could still find someone to spend his life with, someone he really loved. He didn’t have to please anyone but himself, he didn’t have to prove anything to anybody. He fell asleep to that thought.


	6. December, 14th

December, 14th 

If he were to be completely honest, Charles was a little bored at that party. He had decided to sit in a corner of the rooftop. Way less noisy and no drink around him. He waited for Erik there. Time was passing very slowly and it took an hour for Erik to be in front of him. 

“I probably made the biggest deal of my career this evening.” He smiled warmly. 

“Really?” It made him smile too as he stood up “That’s amazing, I’m so proud of you!”

“Thank you for believing in me these last two years, you helped me so much.”

“Come on...” He looked away “I didn’t do anything.”

He grabbed both of his shoulders, looking into his eyes “You did a lot. More than you know.” 

His mind just screamed ‘I love you’ but he couldn’t say it. He never said it first, not because he didn’t feel it, he did with all his heart. But when Erik said it first, it didn’t mean anything. It just meant ‘we are friends and I care about you’. When Charles said it first it felt like he was opening his entire heart and showing it to the world. And in that moment, he felt so small. He should’ve felt great but he didn’t. He was happy for Erik, he was truly happy for him. But he wasn’t so happy himself. He looked down. 

“Charles, are you okay?” He asked softly.

He nodded, faking a smile “I’m fine. Don’t worry.” 

Erik made a face that meant ‘I know something’s wrong’ and sighed “Charles...”

“Seriously, just enjoy the party. Grab a drink. I’m okay.” He insisted. 

”We’ll talk about this later.” He promised as he left for a moment to pick a glass of champagne. 

Charles sat down again looking over the city, it was truly beautiful at night. All those lights, all those tiny people he could see, he couldn’t stop staring down then up. He felt both overwhelmed and utterly calm. Erik sat next to him, he could feel his eyes on him like he was trying to find the missing piece to a puzzle. 

“What are you thinking about?” He asked. 

“All those people below and in those buildings, they have complex, painful, beautiful, amazing lives and we pass by them everyday. I’ve probably seen some of those people hundreds of times. And yet, I will never know them. We are surrounded by people and yet, we’re alone most of the time.” He chuckled “Or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know. I find it sad yet it’s so fascinating how we live so close to each other but we’re so far away.”

Erik frowned but it wasn’t misunderstanding, it was concern. He took his hand “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.” He laughed nervously. 

“No one who’s really fine repeats that they’re fine so often.”

“But I am. Okay, I might be a little...off, lately. But I’m going to be better soon. I promise.” He assured. 

“You’re not doing that for me or anybody else. You’re doing that for yourself.” He looked pained “You don’t have to fake it. Not with me.”

Charles really didn’t want to talk about this so he tried to smile and asked Erik about how his date had been going. In retrospect, it had been completely stupid to ask that in that particular moment but he convinced himself that it was what he needed to finally accept it and move on with his life, pretend he was happy until he truly was. But Erik’s answer was unexpected to say the least. 

“I don’t know...” he sighed “We have so many things in common. We come from similar backgrounds, we share the same faith, values, visions on so many things and yet...I don’t feel any excitement or attraction. Maybe it’s going to come with time. We only just started dating.”

Charles frowned “You don’t create attraction. If you don’t like her, why are you going on dates with her?”

“You don’t build anything solid on attraction. I’m not seeing her to have fun.” 

“Well maybe you should, this is supposed to be fun. This is not a work meeting. You’re not going to sign a contract. You’re seeing someone, you should be having a good time.”

“It’s not that easy.” He tried to argue. 

“But it is. In the beginning it is. You like someone, you go on dates and then if it works out, you date them. You don’t date someone just because you could be a good match on paper, you date them because you actually like them. Erik, please, you know that.” He pleaded. 

“We’re not in a Disney fairytale, Charles. I’m not going to have stars in my eyes and dance around just because I started seeing someone. We’re grown ups, most relationships are about working together and making sense as a pair. Not true love or your heart buzzing with happiness. This is real life, sometimes finding a partner is just finding someone that works toward the same thing.” 

“It’s not a fairytale, what good is a relationship without love or happiness? I’m not talking about a hallmark love story, Erik. I’m talking about you denying that it doesn’t bring any joy to you, dating is supposed to be fun. You’re not having fun, what are you going to do marry her someday because you two share some values?” He sighed “I can’t understand it, Erik. I can’t. You’re not in a hurry. You can find someone you truly love, if it’s not that person. It will be someone else. What scares me is you, actually doing this for all the wrong reasons. It’s like you are trying to overachieve and please everyone but you won’t. If you’re not happy, you won’t.”

Erik huffed “Why does it even matter to you? It’s not your life, it won’t affect you.”

“Why does it matter to me? Are you fucking kidding me?” He frowned “Of course I care, you’re my best friend! All I want is for you to be happy and loved. Am I supposed to look away and act like you’re always right like some kind of puppet just to please you? Because I won’t.”

“Not everything is perfect. Sometimes you don’t get the romance and the perfect happiness. Sometimes you have to make something out of what you have. But you can’t accept that.”

“Just call me stupidly naïve, it would be faster at this point.” 

“You did, not me.” He pointed out. 

“Oh, how practical.” He folded his arm across his chest. 

Charles could see Erik was boiling, great because he was as angry. He was tired of him acting like he was a rich kid that never struggled to do anything. And had the emotional maturity of a toddler. He wasn’t going to let Erik disrespect him without a fight. 

“You never had to know what it’s like to start from nothing. You grew up in a fucking mansion with people to cook for you and clean your room. You have no idea what’s it like to want a better life for yourself.” 

Charles laughed “Yeah, what a glorious time. I tend to forget my stepfather hitting me with whatever he could find, my mother getting so drunk I had to call an ambulance several times, Raven and I hiding in closets, secret passages, anywhere we could go just so we could escape. I always forget those juicy details because we had a cook and maids. And my father had a bloody Ferrari. How lucky was I.” 

Erik had the decency to look embarrassed and pained for a moment, looking away and for a short moment, Charles truly thought he would apologise and call it a night. But he didn’t, if anything anger took over him more because he was in a situation he couldn’t control or grasp and it was plain to see that he hated it “You know I didn’t mean that.”

“What did you mean then? Erik, you don’t even feel sorry about what you said when you know damn well I hardly had a perfect childhood. What’s happening to you?” He frowned again. 

“What’s happening to me?” He huffed “I’m tired of you trying to dictate my life.”

“I never did that. For fuck’s sake, Erik. I only want what’s best for you!”

“You don’t know what’s best for me!”

They were starting to properly raise their voices and Charles was properly starting to lose his mind. He took a breath, he didn’t want to keep fighting with Erik “Can we just forget about that?”

But it didn’t ease him at all, his voice was cold like he had barely heard, mostly not directed to him “Maybe it’s about time you grow up.”

Charles snorted “Excuse me?”

“You heard me right. You’re here judging me when I’m just trying to be an adult and create a future for myself. I can’t be single forever, hanging around in your apartment playing chess or cards or watching movies with you. I’m 32 not 20.”

“I wasn’t judging you Erik! I want you to be happy and be with someone you love, it doesn’t seem like it. That’s all I’m saying. But you’re judging me, in fact you just did. What am I to you, a superficial rich kid? I left when I was seventeen with no money, I took care of Raven before I was old enough to get my inheritance. I worked and went to college at the same time and you fucking know it because we did the same thing. You know my past, you know how hard it was so if I’m childish and superficial to you then I guess we don’t know each other that well.” He sniffed trying to hold back tears “I guess I just pretended you cared for me the way I cared for you all along. Maybe we shouldn’t be so close, maybe we should take our distances it’s pretty clear you don’t respect me as much as I respect you.” 

Erik massaged his forehead, trying to explain himself but before he could come up with something Charles was already leaving he followed him but Charles wouldn’t listen. He wouldn’t even turn around so he gave up, he stopped following him. And Charles promised himself that he wouldn’t turn around. He kept a brave face until he arrived home, crawled on his sofa and cried his heart out. This Christmas he would be just as alone as he was a kid and he didn’t have the strength to fight against it or anything. He was tired, he only wanted to sleep the end of the year away and wake up in 2020 in the middle of fucking nowhere. He hadn’t cried himself to sleep in years.


	7. December, 16th

Charles had spent a whole day, wallowing in his bed and watching an entire season of Brooklyn 99 on his sofa, eating way too much chocolate and drinking way too much chocolate milk. At least he didn’t drink during the day anymore or at all, recently. If anything, he didn’t want to become like his mother. His life was a mess as it was, at least he wasn’t fucking this up. He was starting another season when he realised he wasn’t going to spend another day like this. He was better than this, he wasn’t going to wallow in self pity and cry over a man who didn’t even respect him after all. Even though he loved said man and only wanted him to have a good life even if it wasn’t with him and it was breaking his heart. He wasn’t even going to think about him, not much anyway. He was going to take a shower, dress and go the Winter Village with Raven and he was going to have a good time. 

They met at the entrance, Raven wore a big smile and he could see she was happy, she was glowing with joy and love and it was great, really. It just reminded him that he probably looked like someone ran him over ten minutes ago and that if anything, he didn’t look happy at all. 

“You look terrible, what happened to you?” She greeted him. 

“Hello? Good afternoon? How are you Charles? I’m fine, what about you?”

“Oh come on, I don’t even have to ask if you’re alright, you’re not. It’s quite obvious. So what happened?”

“Can we just walk a little before I tell you?” He said with no energy. 

Raven nodded “Yeah.” 

They walked in silence for a while, Charles had always loved Winter villages, they were filled with everything you loved about Christmas. When he was seven, his father took him to one, he was always busy but this time, he spent a whole day with his son. They ate unhealthy things, they ice skated, his father won a big teddy bear for him. It was probably the best day of Charles’ childhood. It was one of the only memories he liked to revisit. He wondered if his father would be proud of him, he was a simple teacher, he didn’t earn much but he was happy about his job. He had published a book, a very useful one. He had a happy life most of the time, it wasn’t perfect. But it was way better than what he imagined when he was fourteen and struggling to breathe. He really wondered if his father would love him now, he was sure his mother wouldn’t, she didn’t when she was still here after all. He looked over to his right, seeing Raven, patiently waiting. She had always been there for him, she deserved his honesty even if he wasn’t perfectly honest with himself yet. 

He sighed “I think Erik and I had our first fight. I mean we argue about anything but it’s playful, it’s not serious. This time, it was. He said pretty hurtful things and I really don’t know how I should feel about the whole thing.”

“What was the fight about?”

“He’s started going on dates with a woman from his synagogue. And I don’t think he’s truly doing that for himself. He’s definitely trying to please something in himself but I don’t think he’s truly enjoying going on dates. And it should be fun. I told him as much but he rejected me and told me I was childish and he wanted a future for himself. And I left the party.”

“You’re right about dates being something fun and not something you force yourself to go to.” She conceded “But don’t you think you told him because you were a little jealous too?”

Charles snorted “What? No, I just don’t want him to be in something that doesn’t make him happy.”

“I’m sure you mean that. In fact, I know you mean that but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re jealous too and that’s okay. If you can’t admit it to me, admit it to yourself.” She stopped at a stand, asking for hot spiced wine. 

“Why would I be jealous?” He frowned “We’re not together, he can be with whoever he wants. I don’t want him to be miserable. That’s all.”

She rolled her eyes “Come on, Charles. You’re in love with him. You have been pretty much since you’ve known him. Maybe you want to lie to yourself but you know it, and it’s written all over your face.”

“He’s my best friend, Raven.” 

“And you’re in love with him, oldest story in the world. You know how you feel, I’m not telling you anything new. You want to be in denial, be my guest. But you’re not fooling anyone, mostly not me.” She picked her drink and walked ahead. 

“Maybe, you’re right. But what does it change? He doesn’t feel the same way about me.” Exhaustion was clear in his voice “I thought it all over, I can only be there, I can’t be with him. Not like that.”

“You see?” She sighed “That’s typical of you to self sabotage. You didn’t even tell him how you feel. You just assumed he didn’t.” 

“Because he doesn’t, Raven. What am I supposed to do? Ruin a relationship because of my feelings? I won’t. It’s already on a very thin line, I can’t lose him. I won’t lose him.” 

“Lord, give me strength.” She sighed again “You don’t know how he feels. As far as I’m concerned he’s in a state of denial, even worse than you. The way he looks at you, the way he talks about you. You would have to be completely blind not to see it. So please, talk. Figure things out with him, you both need it.”

“I need time. I need to think about it. I’ll talk to him after Christmas, I promise.” 

“Really?” She rose her eyebrows. 

“Really.” He confirmed. 

“Fantastic. Now we’re going to buy cute Christmas decorations. And Irene made eggnog and cookies at home so we’re going to have a nice time.” Raven took his arm. 

“Yeah, we’re going to have a nice time.” Charles smiled. 

Charles bought some presents, a few decorations for his tree and something special for Erik. He looked over at Raven again and she was so happy, it made him happy too. He knew how far they both came, how beautiful it was for them to just live their lives without shame or fear and it made him braver. He realised he had nothing to fear just things to do and say. No matter what the consequences would be, he had to be honest to himself and to others. That was the only way and he was finally ready to work towards that. He was finally ready to speak his mind, truly and completely. He didn’t want a life in the shadow anymore. 

Later, he was sitting at the kitchen table with Raven, eating Christmas cookies, listening to her talk about work and maybe adopting a cat for Christmas. 

“I for one, is all in for the cat. And Irene is definitely a cat person.”

She nodded “She is. So good idea?”

“Definitely! I hope you will get me a puppy.” He pouted. 

“Maybe you’ll get a baby labrador for your birthday.”

“But my birthday is in six months.”

“You’ll have time to accommodate to your new friend.” 

Charles rose his eyebrows “I see how it is. Your girlfriend gets a cat but you can’t even adopt a cute dog for your favourite brother.”

“My only brother.” She corrected. 

“That’s why I’m your favourite.” Charles smiled. 

“How are you feeling?” Her tone turned serious.

“Better. That night was tough. The next day too. But I’m better now.” 

She sighed “Sure?”

“Yes.” He nodded “I mean yesterday was really bad I listened to my sad Taylor Swift playlist...” 

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yeah, it was okay when I was twenty two going through my first real heartbreak not as a twenty nine year old who’s pining over his best friend.” He looked down at his third Christmas cookie “But you know, Taylor Swift really helped me there.” 

“Listen to her happy songs for fuck’s sake, her whole new album is about that.”

“No, Raven. Sad Taylor Swift speaks to me, happy Taylor Swift does not. Happy Taylor Swift makes me sad because I’m so far away from anything she says.” 

She shook her head “I can’t stand you.” 

“Join Erik, then. Create a Charles Xavier Hate Club. He’d be pleased.” 

“You know Erik loves you. He probably regrets everything he told you. He probably is even more miserable than you because he represses everything he feels.” She smiled at him and took his hand “Plus, there’s already a Charles Xavier Hate Club, we meet every Thursday night.”

“I knew it!” He huffed. 

“Come here.” She took him in her arms “Everything is going to be alright. Remember when you used to tell me that when we were kids? Well, I’m telling you now. You’re going to be okay. I’m so proud of you and Erik is too, he’s just stupid.” That made Charles laugh “I mean it, he’s an idiot but he loves you.” 

“I know he does, I’m just scared, I’m always scared deep down that he will never feel the same way and at least if he doesn’t, I want him to be happy. At least I’ll know he’s doing good. I don’t want him to pretend, it’s stupid because I’m pretending but I don’t want him to.” 

She held him closer “I understand. You will talk to him?”

He let go of her to nod “I promise.”

“Great. You’re staying for dinner. No pity party tonight.”

“Okay chief.” 

Thirty minutes later, Irene arrived with arms full of groceries and pink cheeks from the cold weather. She softly kissed Raven and greeted Charles with a hug as she excitedly said “It’s going to snow tonight!”

“Finally someone who’s not grumpy and likes snow.” Charles rose his eyebrows. 

“Come on guys! It’s pretty but it’s such a nightmare to walk on, it doesn’t work well with my high heels boots.” Raven argued. 

Irene rolled her eyes “Fashion, always fashion. And what about Christmas magic?”

“Not as cool as fashion.” She shrugged. 

Irene shook her head “Is risotto with vegetables good for everybody?”

They both nodded as Charles said “Fantastic. Thank God, Raven actually found someone who can cook” 

Raven gave him the finger. 

“He’s right. You’re a disaster in the kitchen.” Irene argued. 

“Great. Betrayed by my own brother and girlfriend.” 

Charles laughed “Don’t be dramatic.”

Irene started to cut the vegetables as Charles told Raven about this kid in the grade he was teaching who knew so much about space it was impressing and every time he talked about it every kid gasped and sometimes one of them applauded. 

They kept on talking about lighter subjects than they did earlier until Raven took Irene’s hand “Irene, my heart.” She brought her close to them “Tell me your honest opinion about Erik.”

“Not straight. In love with you.” She pointed at Charles ”Very intense energy.” 

“You see. Irene is never wrong about people.”

Charles snorted “What makes you say he’s in love with me?”

Irene stared at him “Do you want a list? Raven had to convince me you weren’t dating.” She insisted on the words “Convince me. I thought she was messing with me.”

“Well, we’re not and we probably never will be.”

Raven and Irene looked at each other making a face “You see how he is?” She said to Irene. 

“Charles...How are you supposed to know how he feels if you never tell him how you feel? I know this is scary but it’s worth it.” Irene said softly. 

He looked down “I will. I don’t think he feels the same thing for me that’s all.” 

“Do you want me to read cards for you?” She asked jokingly. 

Charles shook his head “I know you’re good at this but I don’t think that will help.”

Irene sighed “You got to trust yourself. Take a step forward, it will only help you. Darkness is never a good place to be.”

“I know you’re right. It’s just... this timing is terrible.”

“Most timings are. But we make the best we can with it.” She shrugged “Raven and I didn’t meet at the right time. And yet, we worked things out together because that’s what you do when you love someone. Whatever you think, he loves you it’s plain to see. And you always find a way when you truly love someone.”

“I really hope so.”

Raven held his hand “Trust yourself for once.”

“I will try.” He promised. 

The rest of the evening was spent with good food, laughters and happier music. Charles felt giddy and light, for a moment he forgot about his fears and the utter exhaustion in his heart. He only focused on that time with people he loved. And when he laid down on the couch next to Raven, laughing and talking like they used to when they were kids and managed to find quiet moments together outside of the chaos. For the first time, he truly felt like he could make it and tell him how he felt. It had been a weight on his shoulders that he needed to let go of, and no matter what the outcome would be a brighter life was ahead of him.


	8. December 18th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo turns out i am little late again so two chapters at the same time? sorry for all the angst i can promise you it gets better soon

December, 18th

Erik was properly panicking. His apartment was a mess, turned upside down. He wanted to scream and break everything. He couldn’t find that damn notebook. He was so organized, everything in its right place, at all times. And yet, he couldn’t find it. It wasn’t in the living room, or his room, or his office, he had looked for it everywhere. For the past hour. He was definitely going to be late. He didn’t even care. He only wanted to find that fucking notebook, where was it? He never lost anything, mostly not in his own apartment. He searched for it absolutely everywhere and he couldn’t find it anywhere. He sat on the floor, completely wrecked, on the verge of crying. 

He remembered when Charles offered this notebook to him, he had just broke up with Karen a week ago and Charles knew that he was still shaken even though he had tried to hide it. He took him to his favourite museum, they stayed for hours just looking at the paintings and statues. It always calmed Erik down, it inspired him too. Perhaps, in his heart Erik had always wanted to be an artist. Being in a place like this felt like home. There was nothing he loved more than going to the museum with Charles. He had never found someone he could go to the museum with before, someone who understood, someone who challenged him, made him learn new things, encouraged him to draw, knew how to be quiet too, knew how to appreciate silence. He had learned each time that Charles could do all of that. 

And when they were wandering in the shop, and Erik was lost in a book about Rodin, Charles was buying a notebook and set of pencils for him. He always joked that his old notebook wasn’t good enough for his art. Erik had always denied that, Charles always insisted. And that day, he proved that he truly valued that about him. That he saw him, that he wanted him to do something he loved, to get better at it. He remembered holding it dearly in his hands. Because more than the gift, it was the heart of it that touched him. It was Charles’ constant warmth and gentleness that touched him. He remembered so many things about this day. Being on a boat that evening drawing everything he could see, drawing him. His memories felt so clear yet blurry. Like he had missed something there, something obvious. Something utterly right that he hadn’t seen at that time. 

It was in Charles’ eyes, in his own. It was in the air, in the water around them, it was on paper, it was everywhere. He could see it now, it wasn’t that blurry anymore. It was only overwhelming. He felt something he didn’t want to feel, something he denied to himself entirely. Something that gave him a stomachache then went through his whole body. Making him feel like his heart would stop, like the world stopped turning. He decided he needed to leave and now. He couldn’t stay there another minute.

After that he ran, he probably looked like a crazy man with his suit and perfectly combed hair, running like his life depended on it but he couldn’t help it. In less than twenty minutes he was in the building, he sat on the floor for a while, trying to catch his breath as best as he could, closing his eyes. He focused on looking proper and normal. He didn’t want Emma to make fun of him, he combed his hair back, he tried to look less sweaty. He was still miserable but he looked less shocked or at least he hoped so. He greeted Angel in a hurry as he entered his office. 

Emma was already there, sitting by his desk typing on her phone, she looked up, looking unimpressed “You’re late.” She looked at him from head to toe “You look terrible.”

“Thank you, Emma. I always value your opinion on how I look.” 

“Baby, what happened to you? You make that Armani suit look cheap.” 

“Listen, Emma.” He sat down and turned his computer on “I’m really not in the mood so if you’re here to bother me, get the fuck out.”

“Calm down, grumpy.” She turned around in her seat to face him “You’re the one who’s thirty minutes late, and I did progress on that case while you weren’t there so you should thank me.”

Erik rolled his eyes. 

“What’s happening to you, anyway?” Emma looked down at her nails “You really need to get laid.”

Erik snorted “Not everyone’s who’s in a bad mood needs to get laid.”

“That’s right. But you should. What happened to you this morning?”

He sighed “Why do you care?”

“Contrary to the general consensus, I actually have the ability to care about someone who isn’t me.” Her tone was playful but Erik could hear she was a little hurt. 

He massaged his forehead “I’m sorry, Emma. It’s just me, I’m on a very thin line recently. And I really don’t want to whine about my insignificant problems when I deal with those cases every day.”

“Erik, sugar. Your problems aren’t less important just because they seem more...casual. I’m the one who asked. What happened this morning?” 

“I...” He chuckled nervously “It’s stupid really, I couldn’t find something and the thought of having lost that particular thing was unbearable.”

“What thing?” She frowned. 

He sighed “A notebook. For me to draw.”

“And what makes it so special.”

“Charles offered it to me. We went to the Met after Karen and I broke and he gave that notebook to me. And now I can’t find it.”

Emma smiled sadly “Now I know what’s going on with you. You had an argument with Charles.”

“How do you know?”

“There are only two people whose opinions matter to you, your mother and Charles. And the fact that you looked for a notebook at what? Eight in the morning just screams that you’re not talking to him. What happened?”

“Back at the party, where you arrived late.” He pointed out “We talked and he seemed off. And then he talked like he knew what I needed or wanted and it just...sent me off. And I said hurtful things to him that he didn’t deserve. And now, I don’t know what to do, I’m...lost. Completely lost.”

“Erik... just talk to him. You tend to be hard when you’re angry, he knows it.”

“I’m never hard to him. Never before that.”

She took his hand “Then he’ll understand even better that it was just a mistake.”

“But in general, Emma. I’m so lost...”

She looked at him with compassion “Maybe, you should just listen to yourself. I mean, properly listen. You completely threw yourself into work lately. Take time for yourself, some time away just for you to think. What do you say?” 

“I don’t know...”

“Well, I do. Erik, you need it. A week, only a week. It’s the holidays after all. Go somewhere, spend time with your mother, talk to Charles. Mostly, relax for once, think about what you want, what you need.” She squeezed his hand “Okay?”

He nodded “Alright, I’ll do that.”

“Wonderful!” She smiled “Now let’s focus on work so you won’t have to worry during your well deserved break.”

He smiled too, Emma could be so compassionate, so considerate with people she cared about. He was thankful to be part of that very small circle. 

They worked for hours, completely focused on that sole task. It had been worth it, they had found a way to win that case. He was proud of what they did together, how well they understood each other and how determined they were. They had always made a great team, from the very first day. When they spoke at their next meeting, they were full of confidence. They knew they would make it just like they always did. 

At the end of the day, Erik was exhausted but he needed to do something. He really needed to talk to one person. As soon as he was home he changed into something more comfortable and took his car. The day had left him shaken and driving managed to calm him down a bit. His mind still felt like a war zone when he was at the door and his mother opened with a bright smile that flattered when she saw how pale, sleep deprived and mostly miserable he looked “What’s wrong?” She instantly asked. 

“I...” he shook his head, he couldn’t speak, he felt boneless, mindless. 

“It’s okay.” Edie held his arm “Let’s go inside.”

As soon as he was in the house, he fell on the couch. Still feeling outside of his body. Edie patiently sat beside him, not saying a word, letting him take his time to figure out how he felt, what he needed to say, what hurt him. 

Erik tried to think about that, he really tried but it was still blurry. Not because he didn’t know why, but because something in him, something akin to fear screamed that he shouldn’t, screamed that he had been so wrong and now he couldn’t say anything. There was a storm in his mind, one that was violent and tore everything apart. Made him feel empty, made him feel trapped, made his entire body ache. He was losing his breath, then his mind, then his heart. And it never seemed to stop, it went on a loop. When he started to speak he felt like air left his body entirely “Mama...I’m lost. I don’t know what to do.” 

She looked at him sadly, holding his hands “About what?”

He chuckled nervously “Everything...I’m afraid I will disappoint you, myself, everyone around me.”

“Erik, my heart. You’re never going to do that. What makes you say that?”

“I’m afraid. I will never have a family of my own. I tried to want it and make it work, find someone but something’s holding me back.”

“Erik, I never asked you to marry someone. Yes, I want you to be happy and I would really love to see you married and possibly with kids someday. But only if you’re happy. I don’t want you to be in a loveless marriage. I don’t want you to have kids if you don’t want to. I only want things that give you happiness. You won’t please me if you are stuck in something that doesn’t bring any joy or love to you.” She held his hand tighter. 

“I don’t even know what I want.” He chuckled wryly. 

“Oh, I think you do. I think you should listen to your heart for once, instead of thinking everything has to be in control and in order. Your father was like that too but sometimes strong men have to be vulnerable. You have to let yourself be vulnerable to understand how you feel.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” He huffed “I feel so lost.”

“But you’re not.” Edie insisted “Who’s the person you love the most? And don’t say me, I know.” She smiled. 

Erik didn’t even bother pretending “Charles.” 

“Does It ever feel like your love for him is too much for your heart?”

He only nodded. 

“Then you already know, schatz.” 

“I guess that was the easiest part.” He sighed. 

“No. That was the hardest part. The easiest part will come when you will be in front of him, you will feel so much lighter when you will finally speak.”

He laughed nervously “I hope you’re right.”

“I am. Because this boy loves you just as much, maybe even more.”

“I don’t think that’s possible.” 

Edie smiled “You should say that to him.”

“I will. I promise.”

She stood up, caressing his hair “Everything is going to be okay. That flag in our living room.” She chuckled “It’s here because Raven put it there but it’s also here because I want you to remember that no matter who you love, what you want, who you are, I accept you and I love you. I won’t be disappointed. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Nothing else.”

He nodded “I know. I guess I didn’t really accept myself completely. I’m afraid I’m not there yet. But it helps that you always did somehow. It really does.”

“Just wait there. I’ll get us some tea.” Edie smiled softly. 

Erik thought about that time where Raven brought the pride flag, it was only six months ago. Charles had been there, Irene had been there too and they all ate together. It had been a really good day, filled with joy and laughters. Erik had always admired how unapologetic Raven was about herself, Charles was never hiding but he was usually quiet, he was usually shrinking himself something Erik had never understood because when he spoke, he could own a whole room, he could convince anyone of anything. Raven didn’t ask, she took it. Erik knew it was earned, that she had struggled enough to be proud and comfortable with who she was. And it amazed him. Putting that flag proudly in the middle of the room was another proof of that. Raven knew what she wanted, knew who she was and didn’t make excuses for it. Erik thought that he needed to be more like her, to be prouder, braver. Because it kept him away from what he truly wanted. 

In that moment, it wasn’t blurry, it was clear, bright. He knew how he felt, he found the strength to accept it. Knowing there was still a long road ahead of him, he felt ready to drive through it. He felt that it was worth it, that it was time. Today had been hard, tomorrow would be hard too he had no doubt about it but he would find a way. And he would say it, he would admit the words to himself, he would admit the words to Charles. He didn’t know anyone who deserved those words more than him. And he wouldn’t give up until he found the bravery to say these words, loud and clear.


	9. December 20th

December 20th

When Charles woke up, he felt better but not as joyful as he was at the start of the month. Most of his excitation died down, he would probably spend Christmas Eve on his own and then he was happy to spend it with Raven and Irene, really but he also knew that someone would be missing and it broke his heart. He tried to be hopeful and rely on two years of friendship, Erik usually kept his promises, he was usually loyal and cared for him but that argument hadn’t been usual to say the least. So, Charles lived in a blur. He didn’t know what would happen, he walked with blindfolds and hoped he wouldn’t fall. 

When he stood in his classroom, he understood well enough that his job demanded that he kept his composure. They were all excited for the holidays and Christmas and he had something specially prepared for them. 

“Today, you’re going to make cards for each other. You will pick a paper with one of your classmates’ name and you will have to make a holiday card for that person. If you need to cut something or if you need help with anything, ask me. And have fun!” He said joyfully. 

Good, it worked, he thought. Every kid picked a paper, went back to their tables and started to work on their cards. Charles sighed, they seemed happy about it, he would have time to grade so that he wouldn’t need to during the holidays but before he could even start he saw one hand raised. With another sigh, he stood up and smiled to the little girl as he walked to her table. 

“Can you cut three hearts, please?” Ororo asked. 

“Of course.” He sat at the table “Sparkly red paper?” 

She nodded “What are you doing for Christmas? 

“Spending it with my sister and her girlfriend.” He smiled “Maybe my best friend if he comes around.” Or at least, he hoped he would. 

She frowned “How do you know someone’s your best friend? I have friends but I don’t know what makes a friend your best friend.”

“Your best friend is...” He took a long breath “The first person you want to ask when you have a problem, the first person you need when you’re sad, the first person you want to tell when you’re happy. It’s the person who can make you smile when you think you can’t.”

“Then it’s Jean.” She beamed “When I’m done with this card, can I make one for my moms?”

“Of course.” He smiled “Ask me if you need anything else.”

Ororo nodded and focused on her task. 

Charles naively thought he would get to sit back to his desk and star grading but he spent most of the remaining time going around tables, helping kids with technical and artistic problems. He didn’t know some of his young students were that passionate about making Christmas cards and how important it would be for them to use the exact shade of pink they wanted or how important how many golden stars they should use was. He mostly didn’t imagine he would be exhausted after that but he was happy to see that everyone was happy with their cards and they all left the school smiling. To him, it had always been what his work was all about. Outside of learning, it was the most important thing about school. 

Still, he was glad to come back home and do nothing for the rest of the day. But once again, Raven didn’t agree with his plans, he had received texts with tons of exclamation points asking him, no ordering him to meet her at the mall. Apparently a very important matter, too important for him to ignore. He rolled his eyes, he wasn’t exactly going to rest yet. 

He met her at that store, seeing Raven holding two coats, looking completely lost “Charles! Finally! I need your help. Which one for Irene?”

Charles massaged his forehead “Aren’t you the fashion designer in the family?”

“I am. But please, which one?”

His eyes looked left then right, one of them was green, a beautiful green that looked expensive. One of them was a soft shade of blue, it looked graceful and straight out of a 50’s movie. He looked at both again and said “The green one. The blue one would be the most secure choice but the green one is bold, it keeps your gaze on it. She will love it.”

She beamed “I thought so too! Originally I wanted to buy that blue coat but then I saw that one and I had to call you. And I was right, you’ve been very helpful.” She kissed his cheek. 

“Good.” He chuckled. 

“I’ll buy it and we’ll stop somewhere. You really deserve that piece of cake from that place you love.”

“You mean the double chocolate cake?” His whole face lighted up. 

Raven nodded as she payed for the coat “That one.” 

He smiled “I am definitely in.”

“Knew you would.” She said as they were leaving the store. 

Charles had always loved that coffee shop, it felt private and warm in the middle of that huge mall with people everywhere and so much noice, it was almost a safe place. He was looking at his cake like it held every solutions to his problems. He felt really stupid being excited for a cake but honestly he couldn’t remember a time where he needed that double chocolate cake more in his life. 

Raven smirked “You really missed that cake uh?”

He nodded “So much I could cry.” 

She laughed, shaking his head as he took the first bite “How did you feel today?”

Charles shrugged “I don’t know. Strange.”

“You’re going to be okay. You’re the strongest person I know.”

He looked down “I...I just don’t know how to handle the fact that maybe we’ll never have the same relationship.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have the same relationship.”

“What do you mean?” He frowned. 

“Come on, Charles. You’ve always loved him since the very beginning. You didn’t say a thing at first because he had a girlfriend. Then because you were afraid he didn’t feel the same. And now, you’re still afraid. But do you really want to go back to your place in the shadow?”

“Quite frankly, Raven, yes. It’s better than how I’ve felt for the last week, it’s better than not being around him at all.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s better.” She said firmly “Because it’s not, if you’re not important enough for him to understand and reach out. If he doesn’t even try to understand your feelings then it’s not worth it.” 

“But what if I’m never that?” He looked away. 

“Never what?” She frowned. 

He took a breath “Never the person you want to stay with. Never the person you want to be friends with. Never the right person. Always there but not quite.” He laughed self deprecatingly “I just...I’m just so scared, Raven. Because so far I have failed so hard. I try to be this joyful person all the time but deep down I’m scared, I’m so afraid. I’m constantly afraid that they won’t like me, that I won’t be good enough, that I’m exactly as insignificant as they said I was.” He didn’t need to say who they were, Raven grew up with them too, she knew. 

She squeezed his hand maybe a little too hard “Listen to me very carefully. You are not as insignificant as they said. Because they were abusive and manipulative and you got me out of here for that. You saved me when you did that and mostly you saved yourself. Fuck, Charles. You’re the strongest person I know. You’re the kindest, most optimistic person I have ever met and I know how valuable it is because you have been through so much. It would have made most people turn cold even cruel but not you. And who fucking cares if they like you or not? You’re a great person, you’re a great teacher and a great friend and a great brother. You and Irene are the only people that can put a smile on my face when everything feels like it’s falling apart. But it’s not true, Charles. You’re not alone and you’re not ‘that’ person. What the hell is that?” She took a long breath “If Erik can’t see how amazing you are and apologise then fuck him, honestly. And if anyone treats you like an option fuck them too. You deserve the world, not a place in the shadow somewhere you can barely move. Stop shrinking yourself for everyone, really. Think about your happiness for once.” 

Charles was really trying not to cry but it was so hard, his heart was so utterly broken. He could feel it taking so much place, being so inadequate even for himself. When he was a kid, he couldn’t cry or he had to be very quiet and as he grew up he remained that way, he cried rarely and when he did, he didn’t make a noise or he screamed into his pillow so no one would hear. But now, he was crying in a coffee shop filled with so many people and he couldn’t stop as Raven held him through it. He didn’t know how long it lasted. How many times Raven said that he was safe, that she loved him, that everything will be alright. He couldn’t remember anything. Everything was blurry as he was sitting in the car and wondering what was happening to him. Why he was falling apart now, when he had always felt this way. Maybe because it came to that point, the moment where it exploded and he couldn’t do anything about it. He could only accept the pain and learn another way, a better way to deal with it. 

Seating there he had no answer, his body didn’t feel like his own, his mind was filled with a fear he couldn’t describe, a sadness that was bigger than him. But he also had the knowledge, the certainty that he would make it, that he already did. And that nothing in his life had been stronger than his ability to hope and find enough strength in him to start again. As this Christmas song was playing he looked over at Raven with a smile. She smiled too.


	10. December 21st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter tomorrow if we keep this on time vibe i’ve got going on

December, 21st

Erik was on his way to Raven’s apartment, he knew he was being a coward, that he should have spoken to Charles directly instead of going to his sister’s place. He hoped that he would be there, another part of him hoped he wouldn’t. It was all very mixed up in his head. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore. Well, he did and it wasn’t something, it was someone. Who he longed for the most was who scared him the most. And it was stupid, utterly stupid. Because Charles wouldn’t reject, he would listen, he would understand. Above all, Erik was scared of himself, because deep down he was insecure, he was afraid he wouldn’t want him, he was afraid he wasn’t ready, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to handle something like that. He had certainly never loved someone the way he loved Charles and it terrified him. 

It terrified him because he knew that in some way, Charles loved him too. It had been there somehow and he saw it now, it was in details, in looks, in the way he spoke to him. He couldn’t help but see it now that he knew. And yet, it scared him even more to know that it was a possibility, that it could work but everything was in his hands now and he had many possibilities to mess this up too. He tried to remain positive, it had never been a strong suit of his but he could try. It was worth the effort. 

He had been grateful someone entered the building at the same time, it gave him time to pace in front of Raven’s door, prepare to the possibility of Charles being there, prepare what he was about to say. He almost had a heart attack when the door suddenly opened in front of him “What the fuck are you doing here?” Raven asked unimpressed. 

“What...I didn’t even knock!”

“You don’t need to. You make so much noise, pacing around like a complete idiot.” She folded her arms across her chest “What do you want?”

“I want...to talk.” He blinked “Why are you glaring at me like I just murdered someone?”

“You know why.”

Erik nodded “Okay. You’re right. Can I at least come in?”

She rolled her eyes, opening the door for him “After you.” 

Erik greeted Irene who was watching TV in the living room and was warmer than Raven had been. Thank God. As Raven took his arm and led him to the kitchen. She sat down and invited him to do the same “So, what do you want?”

“You’re really mad at me?” He huffed. 

“Yeah, I tend to be when my brother is miserable and even cries in public because of a dumbass like you.” She deadpanned. 

“W-what? H-he cried?” 

“Yes, Erik. What did you think?”

“He cried in front of you? In public?” The words didn’t even make sense. 

Raven nodded “Yeah you fucking idiot. That’s a red flag.”

“I know it’s a red flag.” He said faintly “Was he okay the last time you saw him?”

“That was after he cried so no, not really. But he promised he would be. So if you ever cause any problem again I will have to murder you.” 

“Raven...I can promise you I never wanted to cause him any pain.”

“But you did. So what are you going to do now?”

He sighed “Apologise. Tell him the truth.”

Raven frowned “The truth?”

He sighed again “He was right. I’m not having fun dating Yelena. I talked to her and I told her that I loved someone else. It was just hard to understand that but I did, i do now.”

“You’re in love with him.” She simply said, there wasn’t a ounce of wondering, or any kind of question in her voice, she just knew. 

He nodded “Yeah...” he chuckled “I didn’t even think that I liked men but here I am.” 

She chuckled too “I didn’t even think I liked women before Irene but here I am. There are so many things that could explain why you denied that to yourself but what matters now is you act on it.” 

“That’s the problem. It terrifies me. You know him so well, what should I do?”

Raven took a breath, playing with her bracelet “Charles just needs honesty and reassurance. Talk to him, about your feelings, tell him that it wasn’t his fault if you reacted like that because he most definitely think that it is. And just open your heart to him that will mean everything.”

He laughed “You said it like it was easy.”

“And it is. I promise you. Everything is already there, you just need to let it out.” 

“And you’re sure he feels the same way?”

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head “Man, you guys are so stupid. Yes, Erik. 100% sure.”

“Good, good.” 

She took his hand “You’re going to be okay.” 

“You know it’s funny, we met two years ago tomorrow, Charles and I. And Hanukkah is starting tomorrow. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I should be celebrating with him.” 

“And you could. Just call him when you’re ready, come by his place, talk. He’s waiting for you, just as much, trust me. You got to trust yourself for once that’s all.” She kindly smiled at him. 

“You’re right. I will tell him before Christmas.”

Raven started laughing a little. Erik frowned “What?”

“Nothing, he told me he would talk to you after Christmas.”

“Oh.” He chuckled “I guess we are almost on the same page.”

“You are.” Raven nodded “That’s why you need to fix that little thing that keeps you away from being exactly on the same page.”

He snorted “Little thing, uh?”

“I promise you, it’s not as big as you think. And you will be way happier and lighter when you take that step.”

“My mother told me the same thing.”

“The voice of reason.” She sighed dreamily “Look, your mother is always right and you’re going to be fine. Trust me.”

Erik nodded “See you at Christmas hopefully then.”

Raven laughed “Come on, I know you will be there.”

He smiled and hugged her “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. But don’t disappoint me, okay?”

“I won’t.” He promised. 

He decided to walk back to his apartment, he needed the fresh air. He needed to think, he took that time to calm his fears. To understand he had nothing to be afraid of. He had everything planned out, he knew exactly what to do. And if Charles wanted him, he was ready to be with him.


	11. December, 22nd 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little late again.....tomorrow there’s a new chapter and you really want to read this one :’)

December, 22nd 2017 

It was a rainy day, no snow. Erik walked fast even though he wasn’t in a hurry, he was done with work and on his way to the coffee shop. Habit he took from his current girlfriend, that always made him try new drinks. She wasn’t with him today, she was visiting her family for Christmas. Erik felt bad for how grateful he was but, to be honest, she was always on edge, in control even more than him which was quite a feat. The holidays with her must’ve been...difficult. It was strange because even though he really liked her, he felt that he would never really love her. It wasn’t against her, she had many qualities. She was hardworking, smart, dedicated. She had an amazing sense of style, she never gave up on anything, she had beautiful long brown hair that everyone complimented. Erik only knew he would never truly love her. Perhaps, one of the biggest disappointments of his life had been when he realised what his parents once had was rare, very rare. And so far, he hadn’t found that. Part of him had already given up on the mere idea. 

He was lucky, there were only three people waiting before him. He ordered his drink and minutes later, he was out of the door. Ready to go back to his place and avoid leaving his bed for as long as he could manage. But as always, his plans were reduced to dust when a stranger ran into him and spilled his drink everywhere. 

“Oh God, I’m so sorry!” The stranger looked at the spilled drink on the pavement. 

Erik was too shocked to even say a word but it seemed that the clumsy stranger couldn’t stop. 

“I’m really sorry. I’m doing to buy you a new drink okay? What was your order?” He said in a hurry.

“Caramel macchiato.” Erik simply answered shamefully. He really hated the “let’s try new drinks” thing in that moment. 

The stranger nodded and instantly entered the coffee shop. For a minute, Erik didn’t move but he decided to follow him, he wasn’t going to remain there in the cold after all. The stranger was waiting in line, smiling at Erik when he saw him. Why did he look like he was so happy about everything? It was making Erik lose all his bearings. He truly didn’t understand how people could be so joyful about the most casual things, life was exhausting. If he managed to go through the day, it was already a victory in itself. He was already overworked, he barely had time to breathe he wasn’t going to act like life was a fun ride at Disneyland. This man certainly acted like it was one. 

“Is there something on my face?” The stranger laughed. 

Oh no, he was staring “Nothing, sorry. I was just thinking.” 

“Oh.” He smiled. He was probably about to say something else but the woman at the counter asked for his order, after he had asked for a hot chocolate and a caramel macchiato, Erik was still very much ashamed of. She asked for his name and he joyfully said “Charles.” Erik barely had time to roll his eyes at how he said it like he was about to throw sunshine and rainbows around the world that the woman was already looking at the both of them with a smile, asking “And your friend?”

Charles turned to him, smiling too as Erik sighed and said his name with way less energy. She wrote down the names and smiled knowingly at the annoying stranger, no Charles, he corrected himself. 

As they were waiting in line, he spoke again “So, how’s my old friend, Erik, doing?”

“Don’t even start.” He sighed. 

“Would you look at that.” He chuckled “My friends tell me that all the time. Well the two of them anyway.” 

Erik almost laughed, almost. He was witty, that was something. 

They got their drinks and Erik was getting ready to tell him goodbye and leave him but it was clear Charles had something else in mind, he paced a little when he asked “Would you mind sitting with me...so we can get to know each other?”

He should’ve known. He should’ve. He looked like the type of person who wanted to get know a stranger just because he spilled their drink, Erik wasn’t. He didn’t want to stay, yet something pulled him in. And he accepted. He really wondered what was happening to him. He quickly realised he hadn’t changed that much when he rolled his eyes and said “They still don’t know how to write my name.” 

Charles peered to look at the cup as he sat down “Oh it’s with a k. I like it, it fits you.”

“How would you know it fits me, you don’t even know me.” He snorted. 

“You’re not that mysterious you know.” He rose his eyebrows “I’d even say you’re very easy to read.” 

“You’re very easy to read too.” He felt like a kid for snapping back but he was frankly acting like a know it all. 

But Charles only laughed, rising his eyebrows “Am I?”

“You are. You’re some kind of care bear personified. That one, you know, funshine. You’re like that.”

Charles only laughed harder “Oh so you watched Care Bears then?”

“I’ve been a kid once.” He shrugged. 

“You didn’t go straight to being a grumpy man wearing suits and a frown at all time then? I’m quite disappointed.” 

“Thanks for the caricature.” Erik rolled his eyes. 

“Well. You just did that for me, didn’t you?”

“That’s fair. Sorry.” Erik admitted. 

“Don’t worry.” He smiled “So what fancy job occupies your time?”

“If this how you make friends?”

Charles laughed “Yes, I always spill their drinks before we can talk.”

Erik shook his head, rolling his eyes “Are you always like this?”

Charles nodded “All the time. Every minute of every day.” 

“Isn’t it tiring for everyone around you?” He joked. 

“Can’t really hear them complain from my basement.” 

“Ah dark humor. Didn’t think you were that kind of person.” He rose his eyebrows. 

“You don’t know me yet.” 

Erik sighed “I’m a consultant for difficult cases at a law firm. Which means when things get tricky and hopeless, I come and usually make it better.”

“Wow.” He said genuinely impressed “You’re some kind of superhero then?”

He chuckled “Not at all.” 

“No really, that’s amazing. You must really help people.”

“It’s my job.” He shrugged “What do you do?”

“I’m a teacher. Small school, very small kids.” He smiled “I had my diploma to become a professor but...I don’t know along the way I took this job and I’m quite happy with it.” 

“I always thought that teaching kids at a young age was one the most valuable jobs. Teaching them how to count, read, write, start to think for themselves, develop their own creativity. I think that’s highly underestimated and important.”

Charles had always been smiling one way or another since they’ve met but this one was softer, he was smiling like Erik just said something that meant the world to him “I think so too.”

Erik didn’t know what was happening to him but he really wanted to engage in small talk with him, he was warm, he was funny, he was smart and Erik found himself wanting a friend. For the first time in a very long time. 

“Someone special in your life?” Charles asked. 

“You mean a girlfriend?”

He nodded. 

“I’ve been dating someone for the last six months, yes.”

“You don’t seem so thrilled about it.” He chuckled. 

“She’s a bit demanding and controlling.” 

“Sounds amazing.” 

He shrugged “Relationships are hard.” 

“They don’t have to be.”

Erik sighed “What about you?”

“No one. My sister tried to set me up with some men.” He shook his head, chuckling slightly “Never worked.”

Oh. Yeah, right, not everyone was straight. That was great, honestly he didn’t know a single straight couple around him that wasn’t annoying, noisy or cling, sometimes all three. 

“So...” Charles spoke again “You’re doing something for the holidays?”

“I’m Jewish so I’m celebrating Hanukkah with my mother. Well my mother and the numerous friends that come over.” He chuckled and he could see Charles was chuckling too “You?” 

“It’s just me and my sister and honestly we’re not really celebrating but we spend Christmas together.” He smiled. 

“So I guess that’s a gift for her in your bag?”

Charles nodded “A new wallet and gloves. I hope she’s going to like them.”

Erik finished his drink, he wasn’t in a hurry. He had nothing to do and yet, he felt that same pull but that time it made him want to leave. He wasn’t used to this, it wasn’t something he did. And the fact that he wasn’t uncomfortable this time made him want to leave even more. He had never dealt with new feelings, new parts of him very well. He cleared his throat, looking at his watch, not even focusing on the time “I need to go.”

“Wait...Could we exchange numbers?” He asked, his voice suddenly sounding shy “You know so we can be...what’s that word again? Friends.”

“I don’t know...you’re kinda weird.” He teased. 

“We all need one in our lives, right?”

He grimaced “Not really.” 

“Come on, Erik.” He pleaded “You won’t regret it.” 

He sighed “Okay okay. Give me your phone, I’ll give you mine.”

Charles smiled and gave him his phone. Erik sighed mentally again. What was he doing? They had nothing in common, he was nothing like the people he usually was around and yet, he was weirdly drawn to him. And he knew that his mother would like him, he knew she would say that he needed more joyful, constantly smiling people in his life. So he created a contact in his phone. What did he have to lose? They would either forget each other in a few days or weeks or become good friends. He wasn’t exactly the most friendly person in New York, he could always use a friend. He smiled to him as they gave back their phones to each other. Yeah, he made a good decision. He was nice, his mother would like him, he weirdly already liked him. That very rarely happened to him so he trusted his instinct. Perhaps, they would really get to be good friends. Some part of him, something in him he would never admit was ever there, hoped they would.


	12. December, 24th

December, 24th

It was Christmas Eve and Charles was trying to distract himself as best as he could, focusing on his puzzle. He didn’t even have the energy to cook something, he only sat there, trying his best not to be sad. Tomorrow would be better, he had way worse Christmas Eves. 

He was very close to dozing off when he heard someone ringing at the door. He frowned. Who could be visiting him tonight? He walked to the door, frown still on his face. And only left when he saw who was behind it, he gaped like a fish for a moment. 

“Hey.” Erik said faintly “Am I bothering?”

He shook his head “Come in.” It was a feat but his voice was even feebler than Erik’s had been. He walked back to his couch, letting Erik close the door behind him. Charles sat down, feeling his head turning over and over again, no thought wanting to remain with him. 

Erik sat next to him but not too close, like he was frightened. Charles had never seen him like that “Can we talk?” He said shyly. 

“Well, you’re here I’m not going to ignore you.” Charles knew his voice was a little cold but he couldn’t really help it. He kept looking at his puzzle. 

“Is this a nutcracker?” He looked at Charles then at the puzzle. 

Charles nodded “Raven offered it to me. It’s nice but it’s going to take me a while to finish it.” 

“I could help you.” He proposed still looking down at his hands. 

Charles shrugged “You could.” 

Erik took a breath “Listen, I really regret what I said to you. I know I can be hard on people, sometimes properly rude I just never thought I would be...”

“Hard on me.” He finished. 

“Yeah... and unfair and downright cruel.”

“I’m okay, don’t worry. I’ve been through worse.”

“I know and that’s the worst part. I shouldn’t be the one reminding you that you have been through that. You have never treated me with anything but kindness and patience and that’s how I should’ve treated you.” He looked terribly in pain and it hurt Charles’ heart “I’m so sorry, Charles. I’m really, really sorry. For what I said, the way I spoke to you like you were some spoilt rich kid with no idea of the real world...it was insensitive and incredibly wrong of me. I’m sorry that I sounded like I had no respect for you because I have so much admiration for you, more than anybody else.”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad at you, Erik.” He took his hand “Really, I’m not. I’ve been sad but I haven’t been angry.”

“I would’ve been mad at you.” He chuckled slightly. 

“I know you would have.” He smiled “But we’re fine really.”

“Is there something I can do to make it better? Anything?”

Charles shook his head “Let’s just go back to normal.”

“About that...” he sighed “I need to tell you about something.” 

Charles frowned “Okay...tell me.”

Erik chuckled slightly “I don’t really want to go back to normal. I want to be perfectly honest with you.”

Charles felt completely lost and was about to ask him what was going on but then he spoke again “I shouldn’t have said what I said to you that night and I can never apologise enough for it. What you did for Raven and yourself when you were still a kid, growing up in a family that felt so loveless and cold to become...” He pointed at Charles “You, the best person that I have ever met. Such a kind, caring, bright and altruistic person amazes me. It just fucking amazes me that you can be the most gentle man I have ever known when you grew up with so much pain and loneliness. I admire you with everything I am. You work so hard to give the best education to these kids and you still volunteer on your free time to help less fortunate ones. You never complain, never criticize, never blame. You always persevere, always forgive, always give. And you trust way too much, it just makes me scared for you all the time.” He huffed “It’s true, all the time. Because you are kind and you are forgiving but the world is not, the world can be so cruel. And even though I know you have been through some of the worst things someone can go through, I’m constantly scared it will break you and someday you won’t have the same light in your eyes, you won’t be as hopeful because it will hit you too hard. Because even though I make fun of you all the time, I never want you to change. Never. I always want you to tell me that everything will turn out to be fine, and I will be alright and there’s hope. I know that with you by my side, I always will. I know that when I am going through a hard time, you’re right there for me. And then we didn’t talk for ten days and it was my fault but...” He took a breath “But the only person I needed was you and that’s when I finally had to realise what I truly felt for you and I was just hiding from myself when I was hiding from you. There’s no point in going on dates with anyone because I will never love someone more than I love you, not even as much. It took me so long.” He chuckled as he took both of Charles’ hands in his “So long but I finally understood it’s you I’m in love with. It’s always been you.” 

Charles was crying, he couldn’t stop. He could count on one hand the number of times Erik saw him cry, so few moments. But in this particular moment, he couldn’t help the tears from coming and Erik kept catching them with his hand. 

“How do you feel?” He asked. 

And Charles had no idea, he felt everything at the same time. He felt more than he ever did in his entire life “Like I’m about to pass out, die and then reincarnate into an owl or something.”

Erik laughed “About me? How do you feel about me?”

He laughed nervously “I’ve always loved you. Always. I never thought you felt the same way. I just need a minute.” 

“You have all the time you need, I’m not going anywhere.”

Charles completely let himself fall into Erik’s arms, feeling safe in the warmth of his dark blue turtleneck. He could hear his heart beating, it was like a lullaby, it calmed him. He wanted to stay right there forever “Can you repeat it?” He muttered into the embrace. 

“Repeat what?” It was a miracle that he heard and understood. 

“That you’re in love with me.” He didn’t dare to look up, he only held him closer. 

Erik caressed his hair and his back in soothing motions “I’m in love with you.”

“Can I make it my ringtone?”

“That’s a little over the top.” He pondered “From you, it shouldn’t surprise me. But yes.”

“Fantastic. Because coming from your mouth these are the most melodic six words I have ever heard.” Charles explained. 

“Pretty sure they sound better coming from yours.”

That’s when he decided to look up, he had nothing to be afraid of, not anymore. He looked deep into his eyes when he said “I’m in love with you.”

A sound that Charles had never heard came out of Erik’s mouth before he finally kissed him and everything felt like a first. Because Charles certainly never felt like this, like he was loved beyond words, like he was cherished. Years and years of misunderstandings and loneliness shard with others, only to get there, exactly where he was always meant to be. In the arms of the man he loved. Safe and cared for. Unapologetically and unconditionally loved. Of course, he had been touched by what Erik said but this kiss was a testimony. It had everything laid bare and true in front of him. Everything he felt, everything he needed. It was at once the most passionate thing he had ever known and the softest. It was fitted exactly for him and made him realise they were always meant to share that connection. The pieces made more sense than the puzzle he was solving. 

At some point, Erik let go, still cradling his face. He explained that he brought groceries with him and better put them on the fridge and start to cook if they wanted to eat tonight. Charles only nodded and watched him leave to the kitchen after he had kissed his forehead. He couldn’t move or speak. It was as if he had been struck by lightning. He touched his lips, wondering if that really happened then looked over his shoulder, seeing that Erik was still there. He wasn’t dreaming, everything was really happening. It still felt too perfect to be real. 

After a moment that Charles couldn’t quite define, Erik came back with a bouquet. He smiled “Wow, you were confident, weren’t you?”

Erik laughed softly “Well, I hoped it would work out. I even brought my menorah with me so we could light it up together.”

“Of course.” He kissed him like it was normal now and took the flowers “They look wonderful.” 

“Red and white roses, too cheesy?” 

“Red and white roses, absolutely perfect.” He took Erik’s hand and kissed it “Thank you. I’m going to put in a vase.” 

When he stood up, Erik stood up too and he followed him as he looked for a vase. And it meant everything to Charles that he couldn’t be away from him even for a second, like he was just as lovestruck as him, like he needed him just as much. His heart was bursting with love and happiness and he couldn’t remember a moment where he had felt like this. When he had carefully put the flowers in a vase, Erik pulled him close and kissed him again, this time it had as much force as their first kiss, it was filled with passion, with need, with longing that hadn’t been fulfilled yet. As they were making out on the kitchen counter like teenagers, Charles still took his time to remember every little detail, the way his lips felt on his his, Erik’s arms around his waist as he was sitting on the counter, how firm his hands were but soft and gentle at the same time. The way he kissed like it was going to be his last. Everything. 

Afterwards, they felt breathless but still not satisfied. After all, Charles had two years to make up for. Two years where he couldn’t even remember a time where he even began to imagine they would be there someday, looking at each other without being able to stop smiling, being in love. Only an hour ago, Charles had no idea. But did he love him, more even second. It wasn’t so infuriating or sad anymore to think about it. It was calm, it was passionate sometimes but even there, it was peaceful. More than anything he had looked for peace and now he was at peace with himself and everything. 

Erik smiled, still cradling his face “I need to cook.”

He nodded “Can I help you?”

“No.” He let go and kissed his hand “Relax, finish your puzzle.” 

“Can’t promise you I will finish it.” Charles laughed. 

“Can’t promise you I will ace my mother’s recipe.” 

“I know you will.” He smiled softly. 

Charles tried to focus on his puzzle, he really did. But how could he focus on anything now? His whole world changed and he couldn’t ignore it, he kept on coming back to this. So he stopped trying to make sense of the pieces in front of him and went to the kitchen. He chuckled as he saw Erik frown looking at his pan, some things truly never changed. He smiled when he looked up “I told you you don’t have to do anything.” 

He smirked “I only came here to distract you.” 

He turned around, reaching for Charles’ waist “You’re devilish, you know? Distracting me as I’m trying to cook you a traditional, delicious Hanukkah meal.” 

Charles shrugged “Can’t help it. I missed you.”

Erik’s face softened, holding him closer as he went for a kiss. Charles wondered how it could feel so natural and right when it just started. He didn’t try to find an answer. It made sense somehow when Erik let go of the kiss, he caressed his hair and sighed “I’m still sorry for what I said last time.”

“Erik, you don’t have to apologise every ten minutes, I’m alright.” He laughed. 

“I know but I’m not.” He sighed “It would be easier if you were angry at me.”

“Oh, I see.” He walked closer, taking his hand “You really are a terrible person.” Then he kissed him softly, taking all his time “I can’t stand you.” Finally he held him in his arms, mumbling into his sweater “You’re the worst.”

Erik chuckled, caressing his hair “Very convincing.”

He smiled up at him “I took acting classes in college.”

“I’m amazed.” 

Charles held him even closer, hiding in his embrace. Erik couldn’t help but laugh, caressing his shoulders and back. He felt so safe there, he didn’t want to let go “I love you.” He whispered into his arms. 

“I love you.” He echoed softly “You’re hungry?”

“A little.”

“It’s almost ready.” He kissed his forehead. 

“It smells good.” 

“You can set the table. It’s coming in a minute.” 

Charles nodded and found his fancy tableware. He set the table, humming a little. If he had been a cartoon character, he would be flying on a little cloud right now, everything was utterly perfect and he wasn’t used to this. So he decided to bathe in it, appreciate everything as he sat down and waited for Erik. Charles was no stranger to Hanukkah food but it had never been Erik cooking, always his mother. He soon found out that he managed just fine when it came to this, maybe it was just him idealizing Erik but he didn’t remember him failing at anything. It was fascinating if not a little annoying for the rest of humanity. He smiled to himself at the thought. Erik rose his eyebrows, asking him if everything was okay. 

Charles chuckled a little “Not to be the cheesiest person on earth but I was just thinking about how perfect you are.”

“No offense, Charles but you were already the cheesiest person on earth.”

“I’m taking what I just said back. You’re not perfect.” He pouted. 

He reached for this hand “I’m fine with it.”

“Me being the cheesiest person on earth or you not being perfect?”

“Both.” He smiled. 

After they lighted up the menorah together and Erik had changed in the bathroom, they were sitting on his bed. Charles had really tried to stop himself from laughing when he saw him wearing his pajamas that had avocados all over and said “I avo crush on you” he lost it. And this time when Erik tickled him he didn’t need to hide his feelings for him anymore. 

Erik stopped and looked down at him “I don’t even know why you’re making fun of me, it’s your pajamas not mine.”

“True. But they’re funnier on you.” He brought him down to give him a kiss “I avo crush on you.” 

He rolled his eyes “No. Absolutely not. It won’t become another caramel macchiato.”

“Yes, it already is. By the way...” He reached for the teddy bear “Want to give him a hug?”

Erik took the bear as he laid down next him “You’ve been sleeping with caramel macchiato?”

Before Charles could even think about something to answer they were both hit by how the question sounded and laughed without being able to stop until they couldn’t breathe. Afterwards, they felt boneless, tired but it was a good kind of exhaustion. Not the one they both knew so well, a new kind, one that made them want to hold onto each other. 

Erik took his hand, his voice was almost a whisper when he spoke “I’m so happy.”

“I love you.”

He threaded their fingers “I love you too.” 

“Let’s sleep. You need all the energy you can get to spend Christmas with Raven.” 

Erik laughed “I need all the energy I can get to be around Raven in general.”

He rolled his eyes “Alright. I’m in for another stupid argument am I?” 

“Definitely.” 

Charles sighed, snuggling close to him “It’s going to be wonderful, even with you two arguing about the most ridiculous things.”

“I’ll behave.” He kissed his forehead “I promise.”

That night, Charles smiled when he fell asleep. He fell asleep knowing tomorrow would only be better. He fell asleep knowing Erik loved him.


	13. December, 25th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay okay i’m super late because i got sick and i was busy buuuut everything is coming i promise, 4 chapters left after this one

December, 25th 

It was 8 a.m and Erik couldn’t go back to sleep. Charles had to wake up in two hours and he really didn’t want to wake him again. He knew he needed the rest and he looked so peaceful, holding his pillow, safe in the warmth and softness of the blankets. He looked at him with a fondness that was way too powerful for his heart and wondered how he had never noticed the love he had for him before. It had always been there, hidden in a corner of his mind and heart and now that he had seen it, he couldn’t see anything else. It covered everything. 

He decided to pick his notebook and draw him. It wasn’t the first time that he did, Charles had already been his model, as he practiced, he had posed for him. But this time it was different, not only because he was asleep but because Erik felt different himself. His own body and mind felt new. As he looked at Charles, the pencil in his hands felt like an extension of him. Everything was easy and natural. He didn’t have to wonder, he didn’t have to second guess. Perhaps, no face had been easier to draw and he knew exactly why. It felt good to be at peace with that idea. It felt good to tell himself ‘I’m in love with him’ it felt good to tell Charles too. To know he would get to say it many times, that it wasn’t so hard to say it after all. It felt good to know he was loved with the same intensity, to know that such a gentle soul had chosen him. He would never take it for granted again. 

He was almost done with his drawing when Charles started to move, opening his eyes slowly, smiling when he saw Erik like he had just remembered. Erik had been the same. He reached for his hand as he said with a sleepy voice “Good morning, love.” 

“Good morning.” He ruffled his hair “Slept well?”

He nodded “Better with you. Were you drawing me?”

Erik smiled “Yes.”

He sat up “Can I take a look?”

Erik gave him the notebook as he turned the light on, he smiled down at the page “Wow, I’m pretty sure I never looked like that.”

He laughed “What do you mean?”

“I’m certainly not that beautiful.” He shook his head. 

“First of all, you were asleep you cannot know what you looked like. Second of all, you are exactly that beautiful.”

Charles smiled, looking away. Erik didn’t get bored of seeing him blush. He got closer to him, kissing him softly “I only drew the truth.” He kissed him again “You look wonderful when you sleep but unfortunately I can’t draw your eyes and that’s a shame.” He caressed his cheek “They’re the most beautiful of all.”

“Erik...” he leaned into his touch “It’s too early for me to get emotional.”

“You’re going to be emotional the whole day long.”

“True.” He pondered “But I’d like to remain steady on my feet instead of swooning at everything you do or say.” 

He laughed, shaking his head “We’re not going to be a secret for long, uh?”

“Raven will know as soon as we will pass through her door.”

“You’re right.” 

“Anxious?”

“Not at all.” He said sincerely “Yesterday I was...really anxious. Today, I’m just happy. It’s even a little overwhelming how happy I am.”

Charles grinned “I feel like that too. I woke up and everything felt so perfect and right. It’s really unusual.”

“You’ve studied about parallel universes, right? Do you think we’re in one?”

He shook his head “No. This is ours. Only better.”

“Could get even better.” He pinned Charles down and kissed him as he laughed. 

“We need to get ready.”

“All work and no play with you, uh?”

He rolled his eyes “Play for you tonight if you don’t annoy me.” 

“Because I usually annoy you?” He rose his eyebrows. 

“All the time, every day.” 

“The honeymoon phase didn’t last very long.” He said as he sat up. 

Charles laughed “I loved you way before the honeymoon phase so don’t complain too much alright.” 

“Alright.” He grinned “I’m going to get ready. Can I borrow some clothes?”

“Of course. Take anything you want.” 

“One to go.” He kissed him again softly on the forehead. 

Erik quickly picked something to wear and took his shower. He didn’t exactly felt like himself. He felt different, in a very good way. He wasn’t so self conscious, he didn’t worry about happiness, joy was overflowing in him. And he feared that he was being some cliche from a Christmas movie. One of these hallmark characters with perfectly white smiles preaching about Christmas love, dancing around. He usually rolled their eyes at them, now he was exactly feeling like this. Minus, the Christmas spirit of course. 

Then, it was Charles’ turn to get ready and Erik decided to make breakfast for them. He put on the radio and wasn’t even bothered by the pop song that was playing, he even liked it. He made pancakes, humming to the tune and properly decided he was in fact transforming into a cliché. He also found out he didn’t mind a bit. 

He was waiting for Charles by the kitchen counter with two cups and smiled warmly when he saw him “You look wonderful.”

Charles laughed, shaking his head “I’m wearing the most ridiculous Christmas sweater and I look like I haven’t slept because someone intensely cuddled me and kissed me during the night.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He sipped at his coffee. 

“Uh uh, funny how 4 a.m you knew exactly what he was doing.” 

He left the cups on the counter and went behind him, holding his waist “Right now me still knows exactly what he’s doing.”

“Right now you is going to hold back because we don’t have all the time in the world.” He turned around to look at him, rising his eyebrows. 

“Do you think Raven would mind if we ditch it?”

“You mean would she curse you for the rest of your life? Then yes, Erik.” 

He sighed “Fine. I’ll celebrate Christmas if it means I can get some alone time with you.”

“The famous comprises.” He smiled. 

Erik nodded “Absolutely. 

After they had finished their pancakes, they brought Charles’ many presents, and Erik meant many wholeheartedly, to his car. 

As he started to drive, he couldn’t help but make a comment “I know you’re rich but that’s a lot of presents.”

He shrugged “I found many things that you would love.”

“You? What do you mean? Just how many presents are for me?”

He grimaced “Five.”

Erik sighed “Charles, I told you I wanted nothing.”

“And I didn’t listen, yet again.” He shrugged with a smile. 

“Holidays season is hard for some, they didn’t lie about that.”

Charles laughed “Come on, what’s so bad about receiving presents?”

“I don’t need them! I’m fine just being with you, I don’t need gifts.”

“I know. You’re really going to like one of them. I promise you.” He smiled at him softly. 

“Okay. I trust you.”

“I certainly hope so.” He chuckled. 

When they arrived to the apartment, they didn’t have time to even say a word that Raven was already holding Erik in her arms saying excitedly “You made it!”

“Did I miss something?” Charles said confusion very clear on his face. 

“Oh just your newly boyfriend coming to my place for really useful advices.”

“We didn’t even tell each other we were dating!” 

“I didn’t come here for advices!”

They said at the same time as Raven laughed “Well, at least you guys didn’t change.”

“Neither did you.” Erik said with a fake smile. 

“I should’ve kicked you out of the door for all the gratefulness you’re showing.” 

Charles rolled his eyes “You two. Don’t start. Where’s Irene?”

“In the kitchen!” Irene shouted. 

Charles left to the kitchen as soon as he heard her. 

“Well.” Raven started “I’m proud of you. You did it.”

“Yeah.”

“Keep it down with the excitement.”

“I’m excited.” He sighed “I just want us to have that for ourselves you know? Not make such a big deal of it. It’s important for me, really it is. That’s why I don’t want to shout about it. I want to keep it between us for as long as I can manage.”

“I get it. Just don’t hide him away okay?”

“I won’t. I just want some time just for us.”

Raven nodded and led them to the kitchen where they found Charles and Irene talking about which flowers they could find in Thailand. 

“Of course, you can find lotuses and orchids, they’re incredibly beautiful. But stumbling on frangipanis and krachiaos is truly something you want.” Charles said excitedly. 

“I will look very closely everywhere I go.” Irene nodded with a smile. 

“Well that’s a different atmosphere.” Raven snorted. 

“You are going to Thailand?” Erik asked. 

“Yes, Raven and I this march. I was asking Charles what to see since he worked? volunteered there?” She frowned. 

“Actually I did both.” He chuckled “I worked as a teacher but I didn’t get paid. I stayed there for three months so I haven’t seen everything but you’re going to add many pictures to your album, Irene.”

“She takes pictures of flowers and birds.” Raven told Erik. 

“They’re incredibly beautiful.” Charles added. 

“Thank you.” Irene smiled shyly “Everyone’s ready for the veggie pad thai?”

Erik laughed “At least it’s not your usual Christmas Day meal.”

“Irene and I like to do things differently.” Raven said proudly. 

“Oh you did way before Irene, I can assure you.” Charles chuckled. 

Raven hit Charles’ shoulder “And I’m proud of it.”

As they all sat at the table and ate, Erik really felt at home with them. He could feel calm with Charles in many places but this was a little different, like he finally got a part of things that was always there but only started to shine now. As he listened to Raven talk about the new collection she was working on, or her plans for their upcoming trip and Charles was holding his hand. It was natural, perfectly right. 

But then it was time to open the presents and he sighed. He really didn’t deserve that many presents and he had never been comfortable with that, not even from his mother. So, at first he just watched as they all opened their presents and Raven rolled her eyes at the bright pink dress she got from Charles and he laughed when he got a pillow with Olaf from Frozen and the phrase “I like warm hugs.” He was alright just watching until it was his turn to open his. 

He opened the first present, reluctantly, the biggest so he was done with that at least. And he gasped as he saw a black Dior coat. Because okay he had fancy suits, but this one item looked so fancy, he felt like a kid pretending to be a lawyer. 

Charles smiled shyly at him “You like it?”

“I do.” He said sincerely “It’s way too expensive.”

“You don’t even know how much it costs.” He laughed. 

“Well, I can still read and it says Dior.”

“Reminded me of you.” Charles shrugged “Try it on.”

Erik obliged as Raven whistled and he rolled his eyes “Okay, it feels great.” He admitted. 

He sat down and opened the rest, way too expensive pen, way too expensive sweater but the last one he opened caught his eyes more. A notebook much like the one he had at Charles’ place “Yours is almost full.” He commented. 

Erik tried to contain everything he felt in his eyes and smile because this present meant a lot more than anything he had received or so he thought because Charles had asked for privacy and for Raven’s bedroom which reminded him he talked about five presents. 

He didn’t have much time to wonder because Charles was already leading him to her room. They sat on Raven’s bed as Charles gave the small present to Erik, he held it for a moment before he opened it, he could sense it was special if he wanted them to be alone. So Erik took his time and opened it carefully. When he could see what was inside the little box, he was overwhelmed and he couldn’t say a word. It was like he was brought back in him. He held it in his hands like the most precious thing he could think of. 

When Charles spoke, he spoke quietly as he took Erik’s other hand “You once told me about the Star of David your father always wore and how he had been buried with it because it was a part of me. I remember seeing him with it in picture frames in your mother’s home and when I saw that one, I thought it looked a lot like your father’s. And then I had to offer it to you.”

Erik tried to speak, he did but all the words were caught in his throat and he was on the verge of crying, tears getting dangerously close to falling. Then, finally letting them fall. Charles held him through it, he tried to soothe him. Erik was touched by the gift itself, it was beautiful, significant, it reminded him of his father but perhaps what touched him the most was that Charles saw him, he knew what it would mean to him, how important this necklace had been in his life. He understood his family, his faith, the way he loved and remembered people and that was ultimately what made him cry. He had someone who understood him all along and now he got to be with that person, it was the most meaningful thing he could remember having. 

“You’re alright? It doesn’t make you sad?” 

Erik shook his head “I love you. Thank you.”

“I love you.” He caressed his face “I wanted you to have a little part of him everywhere you go. It’s not the same thing but...”

“It means just as much I can promise you.”

Charles handed him a tissue “And here I thought I would be the one crying.”

Erik laughed “The day hasn’t ended yet.”

Charles laughed too before holding him tight again “True. Let’s put on a film with a dog going through hardships tonight so we can be on the same page.”

“Absolutely.” 

When they went back to the living room, Raven and Irene were playing cards on the carpet. And they decided to sit on the couch, holding hands, not saying a word. Erik decided that we could really like Christmas when he was spending it with someone that he loved more than anything.


	14. December, 27th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw // brief mention of scars in the beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i could say that i am late but that would be an euphemism. because i am posting the rest of this fic in July....well okay i hope you will enjoy the last chapters. tati this is for you

Charles woke like he did for the past two days, in the safety and warmth of Erik’s arms. It was still a foreign feeling, one of pure contentment, of pure love. He felt full, like there wasn’t enough space in him to handle all the love he felt for him. It was overwhelming, all of it, the way he felt against him, the way he never let go during the night and always held him close. He had never felt so loved or cared for in his entire life. And it was still strange, something in him couldn’t help but scream that it was too good to be true. But he kept repeating to himself that it was his life now, that he wasn’t in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was exactly where he needed to be. 

“Good morning.” Erik caressed his face “What time is it?”

“Seven.”

“Too early.” He snuggled to him “Way too early. Go back to sleep.”

Charles chuckled into the embrace “Aren’t you the early riser?”

“I’m on holiday, in a warm bed with you. Why the fuck would I want to wake up this early?”

“I don’t know, we could go on an adventure.” He let go go to draw circle on his chest “You know, go somewhere, anywhere you’d like.”

Erik sighed “Okay, give me a minute. Come back here.” He held him “What do you want to do? Where do you want to go?”

Charles turned around to look into his eyes “No idea. Somewhere calm, where we could be alone.” He smiled softly “Or almost alone.”

Erik pulled a string of hair out of Charles’ face “Then I know exactly where we should go.”

He grinned “Wonderful.”

Erik shook his head “There’s only you I would do that for, you do know that right?”

“I’m powerful.”

“You are.” He kissed his forehead “Get ready first so I can get a few minutes.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take all my time in your fancy shower.” He said as he stood up. 

Erik chuckled “Starting to think you love that shower more than me.”

Charles frowned “I thought you knew I only dated you for your shower.”

Erik threw him a pillow as he got out of the room “Don’t make me regret waking up for you.”

Charles did love his shower, it had so much space to move, it was new, you could put on relaxing music. His old bathtub at his place didn’t compare. So he took his time as he promised. It was early, yes but he was full of energy, he truly wanted to do something special with Erik. Spend time with him outside of Erik’s apartment or his. Erik usually avoided crowded places, mostly on holiday, he wanted to stay home, and when he wanted to go out it was always to the calmest locations. That’s why he had asked for a place where they could be alone, it was what he wanted and deep down that’s what Charles still needed too. To be with him, somewhere else, yes but only with him still. 

After Christmas, Erik had asked him to live there with him for the remaining days of his holiday. The last day had been spent almost entirely inside of his apartment. And although it was wonderful to spend so much time with him, he really wanted to have some memories of the beginning of their relationship that wasn’t on the sofa, bed or kitchen table. Today had been the perfect opportunity. The idea of spending the day somewhere else with him gave him that rush. He knew they wouldn’t have whole days only for them very soon and he wanted to enjoy this as much as he could. 

He was seating on the sofa with a cup of tea, answering Raven’s texts when Erik came into the room wearing nothing but a towel. Of course, Charles had seen him half naked on a number of occasions, that time where he ran on the beach and that time they jumped in the river. Both times highly troubled him and he had to focus on something like poneys and tulips because he wasn’t about to lust after his best friend. Then, these last two nights, he found out, even though he had guessed it, that Erik slept without a shirt on. It was nice to feel his skin even though he wasn’t as comfortable, he was always scared about showing skin, it always meant showing scars and getting vulnerable. It eased his anxiousness to know Erik had already seen the scars and never looked at them with disgust or pity, that he wouldn’t ask questions because he already knew, well part of it. But if anything, Erik respected privacy and boundaries, that was one of the things he loved most about him. Indeed, Charles had already seen him but he still gaped at him a little. Because he wanted him, how could he not? He was also terrified. 

It was comfortable what they had, he loved it. Sleeping with him, kissing him, telling him that he loved him without the pressure of knowing he didn’t mean it in the same way. It was wonderful, he could go on without the sexual part of their relationship. It was true, yet he felt desire for him, he always had. It just felt incredibly important, their first time together, Erik had never been with a man and he really wanted him to enjoy it. 

“Charles, are you okay?” Erik asked, concerned. 

“Yeah I was just...thinking about something.”

“I was asking you if you could make sandwiches so we can eat lunch, no restaurant where we’re going.” He smiled. 

“Oh, yes.” He got up “Will do.”

But Erik held him back for a moment, his hand softly holding his wrist “No pressure. Okay?”

Charles nodded as Erik kissed his wrist before he let him go. The best and worst part of dating his best friend was that he knew how to read his face, he knew when he was sad, scared or anxious. He couldn’t hide a thing from him. Charles wasn’t used to this, he had been a pro at hiding emotions that felt too heavy for others even for himself and now he had to face them properly. It was new, better somehow to know you didn’t have to occupy a small space in someone’s life and keep everything inside. 

He focused on his task as Erik got ready, it was distracting, all that he needed. Because if Charles did something it was overthink and he didn’t want to ruin this by overthinking it. 

Watching Erik drive was one of the things he loved the most, he was always so focused, so careful. He drove like he walked, with elegance. And Charles was always fascinated. He wasn’t a great driver, some would say terrible. Driving stressed him out, he looked everywhere at the same time and usually drove a little fast or too slow, Erik was always perfectly measured. 

“You’re quiet.” Erik noticed “That’s strange.”

“I happen to be sometimes.”

“Really?” He rose his eyebrows. 

Charles shook his head “I was just thinking. Nothing important.”

“Hm hm.” Erik smiled slightly “You know where we’re going?”

“The lake. I was hoping we would go there.”

“We’re not very original are we?” He laughed. 

Charles shrugged “It’s a beautiful place. I love it, you love it. What more do we need?”

“You’re right. We don’t need anything else.”

“You think it’s too cold to dip into the lake?”

Erik snorted “I don’t want to end up in a hospital, so yes, Charles. It’s too cold.”

He pouted “You’re no fun.”

“You’ll thank me when you won’t die from hypothermia.”

Charles laughed “Okay, that’s a point.”

Erik rolled his eyes “How am I supposed to survive with you?”

Charles shrugged “Vodka and ibuprofen. Not at the same time though.”

Erik laughed, shaking his head “Do you ever stop?”

“No. Never.” He smiled. 

“I’m in for a ride.”

“You are. You know what you signed for.” He pointed out. 

“I did. Being ready for it is another thing.” 

Charles rose his eyebrows “Not my fault, if I’m a very fun person to be around.”

Erik started to laugh again “Stop, I’m driving. I need to focus.” 

“Alright, Mr. No Fun.” 

“I can’t believe we’re already an old couple.”

“Really?” He chuckled “Because it doesn’t surprise me one bit. Erik, darling. We were an old couple before we even were a couple.”

“Okay.” He nodded “You’re right. I just mean...it makes me happy that it’s so easy and natural between us.”

Charles instantly took Erik’s hand that wasn’t on the wheel “You make me happy.”

Erik’s eyes left the road for a few seconds so that he could look at him and smile. 

The rest of the ride was quiet, Charles looked out of the window, appreciating how beautiful it was during the winter. He was still a little overwhelmed. Everything overwhelmed him recently, probably because he was around Erik all the time. He practically didn’t leave him, so everything reminded him that his life had changed. It felt so sappy to even think it but it truly changed his entire world to date him. It made everything better. And coming back to this place was even more a proof of that, he had longed for Erik there. So much. And now, he didn’t have to feel like this anymore because he knew he loved him too. It meant everything. That was the thing that made everything better. He smiled to himself, yes it was definitely the best thing. 

When they arrived and Erik instantly held his hand as they walked and he felt his heart swelling. Everything was still new and made him so incredibly happy. It was still peculiar but absolutely wonderful to feel that way and know he didn’t have to hide it or pretend it was casual. He had always been afraid of his feelings, not anymore, and it felt like freedom. To be with someone who wanted you for who you truly were and wasn’t trying to tame or change you or the way you expressed yourself was almost a first. Something he had barely known. Something he cherished above all. He knew it meant just as much to Erik, he knew that he always struggled to be vulnerable, share his true feelings. And yet, he had been the one confessing his love, he wasn’t afraid to say it over and over again like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like it was always meant to be that way. 

They could hear the birds in the otherwise pretty silent forest and Charles just felt so safe, almost alone with Erik in such a beautiful place. He didn’t regret waking up so early, it was exactly the kind of adventure he needed. Not too foreign but still new, a place he already knew but saw in a new light. It was how he felt about Erik, he thought he knew most things about him. Of course, he had wondered many times how it would feel to be with him, to know him that way. But he never quite imagined how it would really look like. Erik kept on surprising him, he was more patient and tender than he had ever thought he would be. Perhaps because he had never exactly been that way. He had imagined everything would be different for him but not Erik. He always imagined the way it would affect him because he never believed that Erik would want him too. But he did, he loved him. And somehow, that fact had changed everything and yet, they worked perfectly like they always did. Always around each other, caring for the other, it wasn’t that different after all. Only better, a thousand times better. 

“You’re thoughtful today.” Erik said with a hint of curiosity. 

“Yeah...I’m sorry. I’m really happy that’s all.” 

“So that was the secret all along?” 

“What secret?” He laughed. 

“For you to stop rambling all the time. Happiness, pretty simple. Who would have thought?” 

Charles hit his shoulder playfully “Oi! I’m not rambling all the time.”

Erik rose his eyebrows. 

“Okay maybe...sometimes.”

Erik let go of his hand and stopped in front of him, kissing him softly for a few seconds “I’m joking. I love to hear you ramble. Mostly about something you love. Even though I often don’t understand a single thing. I think that’s adorable.” 

He smiled up at him “No one ever told me that before.”

Erik caressed his cheek “Even when we first met I couldn’t help but finding it rather cute. And I usually hate when people talk too much, you know that.”

Charles huffed “I do.”

“There’s an exception to every rule.” He winked and took his hand. 

They walked for a while. It was truly a beautiful place, so calm and green even during the winter, only adding warmer colours. Charles had to look everywhere at once. When he wasn’t looking at Erik like a lovestruck teenager on his very first date. He was still too happy to be critical of himself. So far, it was a perfect day. Something, he never knew he could have. A love that felt real and no fear in his heart. Even if it was a short moment, it was precious, not to wonder when something will end and how it could break but just appreciate it. It was new but he loved it. 

Later, they were sitting by the lake in silence, hand in hand. Erik sighed “I know I wanted us to come here because it’s romantic and all but I’m freezing.”

Charles laughed “Yeah me too. But it’s wonderful. Thank you for taking me here again.”

He kissed his hand “You’re welcome.” He opened his backpack, taking of a blanket and covering them both “Here, better?”

He snuggled closer “Better.” 

“I love you. I haven’t told you today.”

“Are you going to tell me you love me every day?” He smiled. 

“Every hour even.” 

“I would love that.” He sighed “Who would have thought Erik Lehnsherr was such a softie?”

“For a limited amount of people. A very limited amount.” 

“I know.” Charles said affectionately “I love you.” 

The rest of the afternoon was gone in the blink of an eye. Soon enough, they were leaving and Erik was driving again. Charles tried to be okay with the day ending, with the fact it wouldn’t last forever but they could get many days like those. For once in his life, he didn’t try to hold on to something, he didn’t have to. He watched Erik driving like he always did. He looked calmer than usual. His eyes on the road, his hand steady. He looked over at Charles “We could stop at a restaurant. I know a small place, approved by my mother so you know it’s great. What do you say?”

“If your mother thinks it’s good then I want to try it.” 

“Good answer.” Erik smiled. 

The rest of the ride was pretty quiet. Charles focused on the landscape, the sky filled with so many warm colours turning to dark blue. He had rarely felt so light, safe, loved in his life and he tried to find a space for that feeling in his heart and mind, to remember how easy it can be, that it wouldn’t always be like this but those days were worth everything. He felt tired too, more than he realised because he woke up to Erik gently tapping on his shoulder “Wake up, sleeping beauty. We’ve reached our destination.”

“Hm sorry I know I woke us up this morning but I am a little tired.” He smile apologetically. 

“It’s okay.” He ruffled his hair “Let’s eat something.” 

Charles nodded as he got out of the car. They walked side by side to the restaurant, it was pretty small like Erik described it. When they got in, Charles first noticed all the flowers. It looked really personal and he loved it. He had always preferred those places to really fancy ones that treated their clients depending on their money and always looked too perfect and white to interest him. This place was beautiful in its simplicity. It looked like a home. They sat in front of each other and Charles instantly felt giddy, he had been eating at restaurants with Erik many times, yes. But never as a couple. It felt rather special, he couldn’t help but smile a little. 

Erik frowned “What?”

“Nothing. I’m just happy to be here with you.” 

He took his hand “I’m happy too.” 

“They have a great risotto here. My mother told me because she knows how much you like it.” 

He grinned “That’s so sweet. It also means I’m quite predictable but that’s incredibly sweet.” 

“You are. You always order the same things. I think that’s adorable.” He chuckled “I could order for you everywhere we go.” 

“Okay.” He rose his eyebrows “Order for me, then. Everything from the drink to the dessert. If you get everything right, you’ll get a...surprise.”

“Hm...deal.” 

They shook hands solemnly. 

When the waiter arrived he wore a big smile. Charles titled his head, he didn’t understand why he was so joyful to see their table until he exclaimed “Oh you’re Erik!” And now he was even more confused. 

Erik and Charles looked at each other and frowned. 

The waited laughed “I’m sorry. It’s just your mother showed me a picture last time, it might have sounded weird.”

“Oh no, she didn’t...” he rolled his eyes “Not again.” 

Charles was really trying to hold back his laughter “What kind of picture?”

“Oh, suit and tie. Super formal. She talked about your job, mostly. It was all positive.” 

“Oh, always is. The two hundred times she talked about me to waiters, sellers, anything that ends with ers.” 

The waiter laughed “She’s a lot of fun and she’s probably the most adventurous eater she always orders different things.”

“That sounds like her.” Erik smiled “We’ll have the risotto and the salmon. And two mocktail of the day, please.” 

“Coming right up!”

Erik instantly looked at Charles as the waiter left “So how right was I?”

“Hm right-ish.”

“Come on. I was completely right. Just wait for dessert.”

“You know dessert is my favourite part.” He sighed happily “So...you said two hundred times? Is this an habit of your mother, showing you off?”

“Yeah...she used to do that a lot. Mostly when I was in college. I thought she was over this but turns out, no she definitely is not.”

“Well, I think that’s adorable. She loves you so much she needs to talk about you all the time, that’s really endearing.”

Erik smiled softly “You’re right. I’m very lucky to have a mother that loves me that much.”

“You are. She’s lucky to have you too.” 

He took his hand and kissed it. 

“And she has reasons to be proud of your job too.” Charles added “I mean you are working so hard to make the world a better place. I remember that case, with the building that was used to make a homeless shelter. Without you, it would’ve happened.”

“It wasn’t just me.”

“It was mostly you. I know it, you spent so many nights on that case. I started to worry for your health.” 

He laughed “Yeah...sometimes we get futile cases too. You remember that wife who sued her husband for his life? Ah, we had a good laugh with Emma.”

“I remember.” He shook his head laughing “But I know how hard you are working and how many people you are helping. Don’t make it sound like it’s nothing.”

“I’ll try.” 

The rest of the evening went easily and beautifully. And when it was time to order dessert, Erik was right. Charles had wanted the triple chocolate cake, how could he resist? And he admitted that yes, perhaps, he was a little predictable. 

The car ride back to his Erik’s place had been mostly calm until that song was on the radio. Charles smiled as he put the volumes up “It’s Last Christmas!”

“I know. Your favourite Christmas song. Well...one of them anyway. You say that about every Christmas song.” 

“Yes.” He chuckled “I have to admit it. But this one is really my favourite. It’s so warm and sad at the same time.”

“I can’t believe I am dating someone who’s describing a song as warm.” Erik rolled his eyes. 

“Come on, don’t be so grumpy. I know you like it too.” 

“Well.” He pondered “It’s still better than Christmas Wonderland or Santa Claus is Coming to Town. That’s true.” 

“Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?” Charles sang. 

“Please don’t. I have nightmares about this song.” 

He laughed.

“I promise you, Charles. It’s been playing in the waiting room. Since November. That and Jingle Bells.” 

“How have you survived?”

Erik sighed “I don’t even know?”

“Are you okay with dating someone who loves Christmas?”

Erik held Charles’ hand briefly “Entirely, perfectly okay.”

When they arrived home, they were laughing. Charles didn’t even remember why they were laughing exactly, something they said in the car. But as soon as he closed the door Erik’s lips were on his, the kiss more urging than he ever knew. He didn’t remember the last time he felt desired like this by someone, probably never in that intensity. Not by someone who truly knew or loved him. It certainly felt different, a different kind of want, of need. The way he touched and looked at him was different. His kisses were different. They were passionate but patient. Before he even realised it he was half naked on Erik’s bed and his mind went on a loop of ‘Oh God. I’m going to have sex with him. I’m going to have sex with him for the first time.’ And it terrified him as much as it enlightened him. He had wanted this for years, without really admitting it to himself. Not so long ago, the thought of them kissing would have already blown his mind. 

“You’re shaking.” Erik stopped to look at him concerned. 

“I’m sorry.”

He shook his head “You don’t have to be.”

“I know...” Charles looked away “It’s just...”

“Charles...” He caressed his hair “How are you feeling?”

He chuckled “I’m panicked.”

“You do know that I love you more than anything right? It’s not new, me understanding is. Not me loving you, I always did. Even in that coffee shop where I thought you were too happy not to be annoying.”

He grinned “I wasn’t even that happy.”

“I know.” Erik said softly “I was just really grumpy that day.”

“That day?” Charles rose his eyebrows. 

“Okay, I’m grumpy very often. Satisfied?”

“Very.” He sighed “I’m making a mess of this aren’t I?”

Erik shook his head “No. Absolutely not. We have all the time in the world. Do you want to?”

Charles nodded “Of course. You’re everything I have ever wanted.”

He smiled “Then relax, let me take care of you.”

Charles took a breath as Erik took his hand and kissed it “It’s been a while. You know since...”

He laughed “I know, you’re not talking about gardening. I’ve never been with a man, I’m as afraid as you are. But I know it’s stupid because I love you and you love me and nothing else matters. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Charles nodded. 

“Even if it gets awkward. It’s only the first time. You trust me?”

“Completely.”

“I feel the same way.” He smiled “You are safe with me, I am safe with you.”

Charles nodded again. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you.” Charles echoed before Erik kissed him again. 

At first, everything was slow, measured. Erik was as careful and dedicated as he was at work, Charles could feel his need for perfection dripping all over him with the way he used his hands or his lips felt on him. He usually did more than lie there and lazily give kisses back and caress a man’s back but this was Erik and he was too mesmerized to do more. He felt safe in the knowledge that he would get to do more in a near future. He almost laughed at how fast everything happened, days ago he was laying in his bed, looking up at the ceiling, feeling lost. And now, he was in Erik’s bed, entirely naked and completely in love. He had lost any notion of time but it felt like it had been hours when their bodies finally joined and soon, everything became a little messier. And Charles didn’t remember a moment where he felt more loved or connected to anyone. It was beyond physical, he was experiencing something as if for the first time and his mind had trouble processing all of it. So, for a moment he forgot everything else and he was only pure feeling.

He didn’t know exactly when it stopped or even when it started. All he knew what that he was laying there, next to Erik. 

“Wow...That was...” He laughed “That just changed my life.” 

“That good?” He smiled. 

“Yeah...why didn’t we do that sooner?”

“Excellent question.” Charles rose his eyebrows. 

“Sorry for ever thinking that I was straight.”

Charles laughed “You’re forgiven.” 

Erik sighed “I never felt like this with anyone.” He chuckled “I thought that they lied when they were showing those lovey dovey couples on screen acting like they just discovered something but this is true, this is how I feel right now. I discovered nothing and yet I feel like I have the whole world in my hands.”

He smiled “Well, personally. I think we discovered something and we will keep on discovering new things. It’s always unique. It might happen to so many people, it’s always singular.”

“It was never so fast, so obvious, so unconditional.” He chuckled softly “And I knew it, somehow, I knew I loved you in that intensity, I just didn’t understand that part of my feelings yet.”

Charles nodded “Me too. I mean I always knew I loved you like this. The obvious, unconditional part. It was peculiar, when I met you for the first time, as if I was encountering a part of my heart I never knew before. It was as if you were completing me, I was even more myself around you and I felt you were more you around me too.” 

Erik beamed “Exactly, that’s exactly how I feel.” 

Charles was smiling too, until he wasn’t. It was strange to be hit by a wave of sadness in the middle of such a perfect moment be he was. And more than sadness it was fear he was feeling. 

“It’s just...” Charles sighed “I don’t know it’s ridiculous maybe but I always fear that...I don’t know that you will change your mind, realise i am not for you after all.”

“Hey look at me.” He held his face in his hand “I’m not going to change my mind.”

Charles looked away “I trust you, I do. Truly. It’s just that...I’m afraid you will realise I’m not really what you want.”

Erik frowned “Complete nonsense. I know you. I know you’re what I want. It took me long enough but it’s you I fell in love with you, no one else. I’m not going to wake up someday and think you’re not what I want because I know you are. We didn’t meet three days ago, that’s not what I meant when I asked if it was going too fast, what I meant is everything is happening at once but it’s good because I want everything with you.”

Charles felt tears coming again “I’m so sorry.” He hid his face “I’m stupid.”

Erik took the hand he used to hide his face with, in his “You’re not. It’s deeply rooted insecurities and fears that deep down nobody can truly love you. You think I don’t know that? I do, Charles. And it doesn’t make me love you any less, it never had, it never will. If you’re scared, we talk about it. Because I get scared too. And I can’t believe someone like you loves someone like me but here we are so now we confide in each other and we talk about how we feel. Okay?”

Charles nodded, letting tears fall freely, without fear “I love you.” 

Erik kissed him gently “I love you.” He caressed his face “We had a beautiful day, we should sleep.” 

“Hm you’re right.” He said sleepily “It was wonderful.”

“We’ll have many days like this.”

He nodded as he snuggled closer. He truly believed him. 

“Oh...just one more thing. This was one of the best days of my life. You make me really happy.” Erik added, almost shyly like he had never uttered those words. 

Charles hummed into his chest. He was happy too. Perfectly happy.


	15. December, 30rd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last three chapters coming very soon (this time!)

Erik woke up with joy in his heart, a joy that was overflowing everything. Every morning had been that way for the last six days. But this one was a different kind, it was the last day of Hanukkah and he was about to spend it with his mother and Charles. It wasn’t the first time, they had done that last year but somehow it was different. Charles wasn’t just a friend anymore, he was his boyfriend. All along, he was trying to find the perfect person to bring home, to make a family with while Charles had been right there and now that he knew, it felt like no one else was better for him, no one else understood him or brought so much happiness to his life. Erik was barely recognising himself, he was smiling all the time, excited about the littlest things. He wanted to scream about how happy and in love he was. It was a first in his life. He had never been that enthusiastic about anything else 

He put on the radio, not the usual classical music one, a very joyful pop one. He wasn’t always in a mood that made him forget he didn’t like the pop songs on the radio. That day, he was. He loved pretty much everything. These last six days had been the happiest he had in decades. And he wasn’t even slightly exaggerating, he hadn’t been this happy since childhood. An innocent, almost too perfect kind of happiness. The one that made him want to smile every second of every day and dance to songs he would’ve hated any other time. He started to dance to the song as he was making a cup of tea and coffee for Charles and himself. He never danced, mostly not to pop songs on the radio, but he wasn’t himself recently, he was some kind of overjoyed version of himself he never thought he would encounter in his lifetime again. 

When he looked up, he saw Charles grinning, watching him intently “You love Little Mix, Erik?”

Erik scoffed “That’s going to follow me for a long while, isn’t it?”

He grimaced “Yes...Although I do love Little Mix and seeing you dancing with nothing but your boxers on. Very, very lovely sight.” 

“Like what you see?” He rose his eyebrows. 

“I sure do. You look amazing, you always do.”

Erik smiled “Thank you. But don’t tell anyone I danced to that song.” 

“I’ll take that secret to my grave.” 

“Thank you. For saving my honour.” 

Charles bowed down “Always. No breakfast?”

“Trust me, you don’t want to eat anything. Last day of Hanukkah is something, my mother usually cooks for ten.”

“Oh, right.” He laughed “I’ll try my best and honour everything your mother cooked.”

“I trust you for that.” 

“It’s also my first Hanukkah as your boyfriend. I need to make a good impression.” 

Erik snorted “Come on Charles, she adores you. She probably thinks you invented printers and everything good and pure in this world.”

“She likes me as your best friend not boyfriend slash possible future husband slash possible father of your kids. It’s a little different.”

“A little. But it doesn’t change how she feels about you. She encouraged me to go after you, do you know many mothers who did that? She knew I loved you and that’s also because she sees you with my eyes, everything good I think about you, she thinks too. And there is a lot of that. So it won’t change anything, she will only love you more.”

Charles smiled “You know I love her too. I just don’t want to disappoint her.” 

“That’s ridiculous. She brags about you to all of her friends. Last time you talked about your job she looked at you like you invented a cure for cancer. You could never disappoint her.” 

Charles laughed “Well, I’d really love to find a cure for cancer. It’s just...your mother is all about family and I want to prove myself good enough for hers.”

Erik frowned “What? You mean for me? For her? You’re enough for both of us, we both adore you. I too, think you could cure illnesses and talk to elephants if you wanted too. That’s how highly I think of you. You’re enough for this family, Charles. You don’t need to change anything.”

He shrugged “I know...it’s just I’m scared I will do something wrong, now or later. Something that would disappoint her. I have the upmost respect for your mother, I don’t want her to think I’m not good for you.”

“She will never think that.” Erik shook his head “She will always love you. You’re part of our family. You have been for a while. That will never change.”

Charles smiled even though Erik could feel his insecurity. He had never been used to love from parents, a love that was unconditional and didn’t require him to be perfect at all times to be appreciated. Instead of explaining, he held Charles in his arms tightly “I love you.” He murmured. 

“I love you.” He murmured back “Sorry I am such a mess.”

He sighed “I can’t believe I am about to quote Taylor Swift.”

“What?” Charles laughed “I’m a mess but I’m the mess that you wanted.”

Erik stepped back and nodded “Exactly. I have been around you way too much.” 

“Don’t worry we will be listening to Lover in the car.”

He rolled his eyes “I am never quoting Taylor Swift again.” 

“Oh, trust me you will.”

When they arrived in front of his mother’s house, Erik felt a swell of safety and homeliness. He took Charles’ hand, they were always warm. It fascinated him, it could be so cold outside and Charles’ hands would still be warm, it was a constant. And constants has always calmed him, even though he wouldn’t say it out loud, he loved the things that didn’t change. Like his mother’s apple cake was always the same, Charles read Pride and Prejudice every year, and Little Women and Anne of Green Gables often, Emma wore white or beige suits when she was sure she would win a case. It reassured him that in the chaos, some things could remain the same. 

As they entered the room, his mother’s face brightened with joy and delight. It must’ve been the best day of her life, Erik had quickly realised that she had secretly wanted that to happen. She had adjusted to the situation so easily, as if she had been waiting for Erik to notice what was in front of him. 

“My son!” Eddie exclaimed as he she held Charles tight “I’m so happy to see you!”

Erik chuckled “I’m literally right there and we’re not married.”

“Yet.” She added “And he has been my son ever since he first set foot in that house.” She stepped back to look at him “You’re so handsome, you’re glowing.” 

Charles smiled “Thank you, you look as lovely as ever.”

“Well I cook instead of him eating garbage, that helps.” Erik added. 

“And that is normal, you should take care of Charles. He deserves good food. I, at least, taught you how to cook well.”

“That you did.” Erik nodded. 

“He is a great cook.” Charles confirmed “He does brag a lot about it too.” He winked. 

“That’s from his father, not me.”

“Oh, I trust you.” 

“Not you two conspiring against me, already.” Erik complained. 

“We have been doing this for years, darling.” Charles smiled. 

Eddie nodded “Come help me in the kitchen, sohn. Let Charles rest.”

Erik rolled his eyes discreetly at the word “rest” she was truly stealing his lines, As Charles argued “Oh, I can help.”

She shook her head “Absolutely not, sweetheart. Just make yourself at home, Erik will make you a nice cup of tea.” 

Erik nodded “Say hi to the evil’s spawn.”

“Erik!” She hit his shoulder “Don’t call the cat like that!”

“Your mother’s right, that’s not a proper way to call your cat.” He rose his eyebrows “And you’re his favourite.

When Erik grimaced, he instantly added “He always comes to you when he wants someone to pet him, he’s always at your feet, he only really purrs with you and he gives us a cheap version of it.”

Eddie nodded “That is true.”

“He’s still a malicious being.” 

“So are you, darling.” Charles said as he went to sit on the sofa. 

His mother instantly laughed and left for the kitchen, leaving Erik stunned, they were really conspiring against him today. 

He fell back into the routine of preparing Hanukkah food with his mother. Well, most things were ready. That was how his mother did things, everything had to be perfect, mostly on the last day of Hanukkah, it had to be more than perfect. Erik considered himself a good cook but his mother’s skills were out of this world, she could make any food taste good. His father had been a good cook too, he remembered as much. It was in his DNA, he would have been a disgrace to his family if he hadn’t been good. 

“So...” His mother looked up “You look happy. Those last days must have been good.”

“Perfect. I didn’t know I had it in me to be that enthusiastic and joyful about everything...I don’t even remember being this happy as a child.” He laughed. 

“That’s love, liebling.”

“Yes. Love really makes you look stupid sometimes.”

Eddie chuckled “It does.”

“You felt like this with vati, right?”

“When we started dating? All the time. Then it changes, you’re not so...giddy. But you’re still very much in love and sometimes you’re happy for no reason, you just find that feeling of newness again. The good relationships feel like this.”

“I think we’ll be like that.”

Eddie nodded. He knew she believed they would last too. 

After that, they prepared the different meals in silence except for the radio playing low in the background. Until Erik realised something. He shook his head “No noise, no TV, no coming here to ask how we’re doing in twenty minutes. He probably fell asleep.”

“You should check on him. Rest a little. I got it.” 

“You’re sure?”

Eddie nodded in a way that meant ‘I’ve been doing that since I was a little girl, I’ll be fine.’

When Erik came back from the kitchen, he found Charles asleep, looking so adorable his heart combusted a little. He sat on the sofa next to him, he looked peaceful, at home and Erik just loved him more than anything in the world in that moment. When he looked up, he saw his mother snapping a picture of them. 

“Mama, can you wait for a moment when Charles is not sleeping beauty to take a picture of us?” He sighed. 

“You are such a cute couple.” She shrugged “He seems a little tired, we should let him sleep until it’s ready.”

He nodded, caressing his hair “He really needs to sleep more.”

“I trust you to take care of him. You always did that ever since you were a child. You used to make sure your teddy bear was comfortable when you went to sleep.” Edie smiled softly “Just stay there, I will call you when it’s ready.”

Usually, Erik would have argued and said he would help her but in that moment, he really wanted to stay with Charles, watch him sleep. He still looked so tired, they had been together for five days and Erik was already determined to make sure he wasn’t constantly tired. A part of his brain had always cared and worried for Charles since they met, like a reflex. He would randomly think about him and if he was safe, if he was happy, if he took care of himself. It had always been there but now that they were dating, it was taking a bigger place, even though he had spent most of these last days with him, he was constantly thinking of ways to make his life better, ways to show him how much he loved him. 

It was strange realising you always had these feelings inside, always kept them safe and now they could finally grow in the light. He picked the blanket above him and covered Charles with it, whispering “My Angel.” as he softly caressed his hair. He felt so peaceful, so full of love watching him. Being home, his true home with him had always been special, but this one time meant everything. He had felt more for him in five days than he did for anyone in his entire life and it would have once scared him to be so vulnerable and overwhelmed with something he didn’t know that well but now he only felt calm at the thought, safe, loved. He knew Charles felt the same way, he knew he had nothing to fear so he let go of his doubts and just fell completely. It felt so warm and natural to be with him, to love him. It had filled something in him, he didn’t even know he had. Something he had lacked before without realising and now his entire body and mind were rejoicing having found something they had looked for all his life. 

“Mhm” he mumbled “Sorry I fell asleep.” 

“Don’t apologise.” He kissed his forehead “Look that little demon is sleeping next to you.” 

He petted the cat as he whispered “He doesn’t mean it, Marty.”

“You know I do.”

When it was ready and the table was set. Charles gasped softly “I don’t know how you can make all of this.”

“Dedication.” Eddie answered “I can’t let anyone starve on the last day of Hanukkah.”

“I can guarantee you no one will starve.” Erik chuckled “We’ll most definitely need days to recover from all the food we are about to eat.”

“Then start eating boys, while it’s still hot.”

They didn’t wait any longer, one thing they always had in common was they could eat tons of food really fast. And when it came to his mother’s food, Erik was still 10, he ate and enjoyed everything. The table looked so colourful and Erik tried to remember the view even though it was changing quickly. He was trying to remember everything about that day, smells, colours, smiles, sounds, everything he could grasp. It was too beautiful not to.

When he was full, sitting on the sofa with the devilish cat with the golden fur, noticing that yes, as Charles said, he was purring, his head on Erik’s thigh. Charles was playing chess with his mother, he smiled to himself, Charles was never going to win. But still he persisted and by the second round, when he had lost twice. He turned around, bewildered. 

“How is this possible?” He gasped “She always wins at chess!”

“Who do you think taught me?” Erik asked proudly. 

“Yes but she’s way better than you.”

Eddie instantly rose her eyebrows at her son, leaving a little “Ah!”

“I’m good too, right?” 

Charles grimaced “I mean after seeing your mother play, you’re mediocre at best.”

Eddie started laughing. Which proved something he already knew, she really loved Charles. Enough to let him humor his only son. 

“Let me try.” He sat in Charles’ chair and started to play with his mother. Even though he knew he would lose. He had only won twice against her in his life. And after fifty minutes, he had lost just like Charles did before him. 

Later, they were drinking tea after the last celebrations of Hanukkah. Erik knew his mother must’ve felt like him, peaceful, rested, they always felt like this the last day. All of his life, it had felt like this. Sometimes he missed the ones with his father, he was the life of the party, always laughing and smiling. Charles would’ve loved him and he would’ve loved Charles and in that moment, he wished they could meet and trusted his faith that someday they would. 

After long goodbyes with his mother, they left a little after midnight. Both smiling the whole way home. Erik was on a little cloud of his own, a high he wasn’t getting off any time soon. He remembered what his mother told him, that it would evolve, become something else. And he knew it. He had always been realistic when it came to love before. But with Charles, he wanted to keep his little cloud with him for as long as he possibly could. And of course, the cloud would evolve like their relationship but it would still be there. That’s all Erik wanted. 

As they got in bed, Charles’ bed this time. Erik was still on his mind, still on his cloud and Charles noticed and asked him softly, where he was, he understood more about the wonderful places the poets talked about when it came to love. He always thought it was incredibly sappy and a little...well unrealistic. He had never known this and he couldn’t imagine that it really existed, in that intensity. But now he did so he told him “In a beautiful place, with you.”

He rolled his eyes “Are you trying to romance me? I’m already yours.”

“I know but it’s true. I feel like I haven’t left that high with you ever since the 24th. My mind is still in that state of complete euphoria.”

“Mine too. In fact my mind is more in a constant state of infinite question marks.”

They both laughed. 

“My mind hasn’t comprehended the reality of my life now.” Charles added “It’s too perfect, unreal. A dream but better, more tangible, made of the love I’d never thought would perfectly fit me but it does.”

“That’s...that’s exactly how I feel.”

He smiled softly like they were sharing a secret world and somehow they were. No one outside of their cloud could understand how it truly felt inside. And Erik loved this most of all, that it was still entirely theirs and it would never change. 

Erik couldn’t sleep. He had tried, he was still too excited from the day. He felt like those little kids who were too happy to sleep. 

“Can’t sleep either uh?” Charles said and even though he could barely see him in the dark he knew he was smiling. 

“Yeah...This was just a really beautiful day. I’m still too happy to sleep.” He chuckled “I feel like a little kid.”

“Me too.” He sighed “I’m really excited for New Year’s Eve. It’s stupid but it’s our first as a couple. I am weirdly sentimental about this.” 

Erik laughed “Charles, you were weirdly sentimental about the first dessert we shared. And the fourth kiss we shared. And our first date. I am even surprised you didn’t point out when we first held hand.”

Charles hit his shoulder “That’s because I was too emotional to remember. Don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not!” He laughed again “Okay I did a little. It’s just I’m not keeping tracks of things like you. You remember every little step. And I only think that it’s one of the best days of my life every day I spend with you. I know we will have bad and mediocre days. But for now, it’s only perfect. That’s all I can remember. I am not counting how many kisses we get or how many times I say that I love you. I just appreciate everything we share, it always feels like the first time I experience it.”

“I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve kissed.” He admitted “It’s around fifty, I think. You’re always kissing me, you’re so needy.” 

Erik laughed “Oh I’m the needy one?”

Charles nodded “You are.”

He rolled his eyes even though he couldn’t see, he was sure that Charles knew “Let’s sleep before you say even more ridiculous things.” 

“Oh I’ll say more ridiculous things. Maybe even in my sleep.” 

“Yes that’s a probability” He laughed “You talk so much in your dreams. Even there you are talkative.”

Charles snuggled closer to him “Get used to it.” 

“I am.” He sighed “I love to hear you speak nonsense. I always did.”


	16. December, 31st

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw // mention of past alcoholism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as promised, the last chapters came soon! well after all of these months, that was the least i could do. i did write a little chapter right before the end, i hope you will enjoy it. sending you winter holiday love in July!

It was peculiar to wake up in his own bed and feel out of place but Charles did after waking up for the last few days in Erik’s bed. He also properly realised that his bed wasn’t as comfortable or big. The lack of space wasn’t such a problem, they never really used it anyway. Charles would have never imagined that Erik would be the one looking for affection constantly, always holding or kissing him, barely leaving him at all. It was a lot all at once but overall something he loved, feeling like he was cherished and protected for the first time in his life. It was still peculiar but step by step he was getting used to it and he tried to be as demonstrative and open to him. He hoped that he was, he had never been this close to anyone before. Someone who truly saw and wanted him as he was. 

“You’re thinking too much.” Erik mumbled into his shoulder. 

“How do you-“

“I can feel it and you’re so tense.” He massaged his shoulders “You need to relax a little.”

“Hm hm.” 

“Maybe I could get you to relax, I have my ways.”

“I know.” He laughed “I have something to show you first though.”

Erik stopped “Oh? A surprise?”

“I did tell you you’d get one.” 

“Well.” He sat up “I’m ready.”

“Let me appreciate the view for a second.” Charles smiled as he looked at his incredibly handsome boyfriend “Better now.” He got up and picked a box on top of a shelf “I promised I would show you one day so...” Charles let down the picture book in front of Erik, his face lit up he knew what it was “Here it is there’s not much between seven and ten because...”

“Your father died and Raven wasn’t there yet.”

“Yeah... But you’re lucky Raven is a great photographer.” He chuckled “I didn’t look great, I wore glasses and I was awkward and I walked everywhere with a book and-“

Erik kissed him “I know. Thank you for sharing those with me.”

He carefully laid the book on his thighs and opened it. He beamed at the first pictures of Charles between the age of one and five, of rosy cheeks and big blue eyes. He smiled on most of them and looked happy, in his father’s arms, holding his mother’s hand, feet in the sand or laying on the grass. Then there were less pictures, formal, he didn’t look so happy. His father was rarely there until he wasn’t. He had looked so sad in every picture until Raven was there, wherever she was on the picture or not, Erik could feel her presence. One of the pictures caught his eyes, Charles was probably fifteen or sixteen, wearing a big smile, book on his lap, sitting on the grass. He looked like an angel, with his shiny hair and kindest eyes Erik had ever seen. He felt drawn to it as he took it in his hands and softly said “I love this one.” 

Charles smiled “You can keep it.” 

“No.” He scoffed “That’s yours.”

“And you obviously care more about it than I do. Keep it.”

“You’re sure?”

Charles nodded “Completely.”

“I’ll take care of it.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

Erik smiled softly “Thank you.”

And Charles could feel that he meant it with everything he had. 

“Now...” Erik smiled “is time for you to get bad in bed.”

“I’m already on the bed.”

“Yeah, main difference. You should be inside it, bellow the sheets and closer to me.” 

Charles rolled his eyes as he followed his instructions “We have things to do.”

“Oh I definitely agree.” He said as he held Charles close. 

“Not what I meant and you know it.” He laughed. 

Erik mumbled something that sounded like “Why must I suffer in this life?”

“Poor love.” He ruffled his hair “It must be hard for you.”

“Yes.” 

“I’m staying for ten minutes and then I need to get-“

Charles never got to finish his sentence, Erik had interrupted him with a kiss. And he felt himself forget about all of his plans for the day. Groceries, cake for Raven, New Year’s Eve. Everything gone, out of his mind entirely. Erik’s kisses were always consuming, no matter their nature, they could be passionate or soft, quick or long, gentle or firm, it always made Charles’ mind go completely blank. And all he could think was; I love this man, I love this man, I love this man. 

After the kiss, he held him even closer, kissing his neck and shoulder. It felt good but it also tickled and Charles instantly remembered, he had in fact, many things to do. 

“Erik...” he chuckled “Let go of me.”

“Do I have to?” 

“Yes, there’s nothing to eat we have to get groceries.”

Erik sighed “Do we have to?”

“Yes! There’s only tea, biscuits and maybe one egg left.”

“I can’t.” He declared “If I go out, I will probably die.”

Charles rolled his eyes “You know you should really think about having your own show considering how dramatic you are.”

“Would you watch it?”

“Every time it is on.”

“Even the reruns?”

“Even the reruns.” He nodded. 

Erik kissed his hand “But seriously, we should order in, we eat Thai and then we can go back to bed and enjoy the time we have until this New Year’s Eve party.”

“You always have your way uh?” 

“Usually.” He nodded. 

“You’re calling, I’ll take a shower.” As Erik smirked, Charles added “And I’m still going to buy groceries I want to bake a cake for Raven.”

Erik fell back down and sighed “I’m miserable.”

Charles shook his head as he left. What did he get himself into? 

Truth is, he loved his place but right that moment, he truly missed Erik’s shower. He looked down at his feet, in his small bath and sighed. Would Erik let him move in so that he could use his shower? And also his kitchen? Or would it sound strange? A thought went through his mind, a little ridiculous because it was too soon but he would really love to move in with Erik, in a different appartement or his. He wouldn’t say, of course, it wasn’t something you talked about after a few days but he hoped that they would someday.

When he was ready, he ran to the closest grocery store. A few essentials and everything he needed for his recipe. And he was out. He was happy to notice when he came back their food was already there and Erik was dressed in a white T-shirt and grey sweatpants. His heart swelled at the scene, it looked so domestic and sweet. Erik was smiling a little proudly at him, a smile that seemed to say “See, I was quick and efficient.” He smiled back in a way that meant “I know, darling.”

When they were done eating, Charles decided to make the cake now before Erik tried to distract him again. He followed his recipe easily, as Erik watched him. He focused on his task, ingredients after ingredients, step by step until he looked up and saw that his eyes hadn’t left him. 

“What?” He chuckled nervously. 

“So what’s the story behind this cake?”

Charles laughed “What makes you say there is a story?”

“When it comes to you and Raven’s traditions, there is always a story.”

“This is not completely false...” he admitted. 

“So, what is it?”

“It’s really not that fascinating.” He sighed “When we left, we didn’t have much I worked two jobs and was exhausted but as you know, Raven cannot cook to save her life. And honestly, growing up with chefs didn’t help me to become a great cook myself. But as I was alone with Raven and noodles and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches quickly became old. I had to find ways to cook on a tight budget, I spent quite a lot of time trying to find new recipes. The ingredients were usually cheap but the recipes were original and it pleased Raven, she smiled more, felt better. So I decided to bake, simple things like cookies or waffles. And of course, the famous chocolate cake that she adores. The recipe was simple, and pretty fast I learned it by heart, Raven instantly loved it even when it wasn’t perfect and a little burnt. So I kept on trying to make it better, still do I guess. It took us to where we are today, with our beloved chocolate cake. That’s the whole story.” 

“That’s beautiful.” Erik smiled.

Charles shrugged. 

“No, I mean it. You always did your best to make your sister happy, you have an incredible bond. I love to hear your stories.” 

He smiled “She made my life better, I never had a friend before her.”

“I know. I am glad she was there with you. Well, not glad per say...relieved. I am relieved you weren’t completely alone.”

“It was strange growing up like that. At the same time I wanted her to have her better family and I wanted her to stay with me. It was very confusing, I felt pretty selfish.”

Erik shook his head “You weren’t. It’s perfectly normal to feel like this. And you are her family, and she couldn’t have a better brother.”

Charles took him in his arms “I love you. So much.” 

“I love you too, liebe.”

While his cake was on the oven, they sat on the sofa, and Charles was fidgeting a little. Getting anxious about the smallest things as always, maybe not so small after all. At least he knew Erik wouldn’t think it was so he decided to ask “Can I tell you something?” 

“Of course, anything.”

Charles looked away as he said “I’m a little anxious for tonight, it’s New Year’s Eve, everyone’s drinking and I’m trying to slow down, well recently it meant no alcohol. And I really want to keep this going.”

Erik took his hand “I will be with you and I know you don’t need me to make it, you’re strong enough to do it on your own but I will be kissing you all the time you won’t have time for distraction.”

He chuckled a little “Thank you.”

“Do you remember that time in the bar, we had known each other for a little more than two months and you almost sat on me.” He laughed “You remember?”

“How could I forget...” Charles laughed nervously “Yeah, I was pretty hammered that night.”

“You got pretty flirty.” He rose his eyebrows. 

He hid his face in his hands “I know...”

“You said I was the prettiest man on earth. Did you mean it?” Erik smiled. 

“Yes. Of course.” He huffed “Don’t tell me no one ever told you that before.” 

“My mother called me the prettiest boy because she’s...my mother but that’s as far as I got.”

“None of your girlfriends ever told you something close to that?”

He shook his head “No, I mean of course they told me I was hot or handsome or something of the sort but they never told me I was the prettiest or best at anything. To be completely honest I don’t think any of them was truly in love with me, neither was I.”

“Not that I wasn’t in love with you back then but it was a really shallow comment. Even though I still stand by it to this day.”

Erik laughed “So drunk you didn’t lie?”

“Drunk me never lies. Thank God he’s not in the game anymore.” Charles grimaced. 

“You know, it really did something to me but I didn’t know how to feel and...Why didn’t you say something?”

“You were dating Karen back then.” Charles pointed out. 

“Yeah but we broke up three months later.”

“You would’ve freaked out, Erik.”

“Maybe.” He sighed “Okay, definitely. But then I would’ve...I don’t know maybe I would’ve realised sooner.”

Charles gave him a look. 

“What? I know I can be clueless but...”

“You needed that time. You can’t have control over everything.”

“When did you become so wise?”

“Two minutes ago.” He smiled. 

Erik smiled too. 

“I don’t regret that time. We grew, we were together all along, we don’t need to date to do that. And yes, it was hard sometimes but most time, it was great. We shared so many things that I can’t regret anything just because we weren’t the way that we are now, in fact I think it’s everything that happened that took us there.”

“You’re right.” Erik admitted in a sigh “I know you are. And yet, if I could, I’d go back in time and tell myself how stupid I was. How I loved you instantly, I would’ve never given you my number that day if I didn’t.” They both laughed “I was dreading seeing Karen every time because she spoke and spoke and never listened or cared and I used to think we were working out and that was enough and then I met you, and we had such an instant connection, you listened and you cared and it just reminded me that I never felt that way with her and that was the thing that made me break up with her, knowing a relationship could be different and feel right, natural. When I think back to that, I can’t help but want to change what happened. I wish I were at peace with this like you are.”

“I’m not, not perfectly. You don’t have to be at peace now, but you will be. You can’t ever change something that has already happened, you can only appreciate what you have now.”

Erik nodded “You’re right. I’m so lucky to have you.”

“So am I.” He smiled “I am happy we are together now. I think it’s exactly the right time.” 

“I think too. I’ve never been happier. I feel like I am on those stupid commercials, where you see someone eat a yogurt and smile like they just discovered the best thing they have ever tasted and it will fix all of her problems. I am in that state all the time.” 

Charles laughed “So, in that scenario I’m a yogurt?”

“Exactly. You are the yogurt that makes people smile like complete idiots.”

He shook his head, Erik was way too adorable for his own good sometimes. It was a side of him, he was discovering more and he wasn’t getting tired of it any time soon. 

Later, they dressed up for the night. In different rooms, he wanted to surprise Erik with his new outfit. Looking in the mirror, he thought that yes, it was a right fit. The sweater did bring out his eyes. And when Erik saw him, he properly realised he had been right, he did like it. In fact, Charles couldn’t really describe the look he gave him. He had always thought, it was made for the books and films only, that if it did happen (Well, it did, he admitted to himself) it wouldn’t happen to him. But here he was and the man he loved looked at him like they did in the movies, only it was better, infinitely better.

“Here’s the most beautiful man.” 

Charles smiled down shyly “Says who?”

“First of all says me and then every person with functioning braincells.” He pulled him closer. 

“Oh. Then we’ll have to agree to disagree since it’s you.”

Erik shook his head as he held Charles’ face “I oblige.”

Charles kissed him softly then let go and smiled “Don’t make us an annoying couple. You hate them.”

“We’re different.” He shrugged “It’s okay if we’re annoying. No one is allowed to make a single comment about it.” 

“Democracy uh?”

He shook his head “Doesn’t work for us. We’re above that.”

Charles laughed “Alright then.”

“You were right, I love your outfit.” He kissed his neck “Although it would look better-“

“Don’t say on the floor.” He cut him with a chuckle. 

“On the floor.” He rose his eyebrows “Should I follow orders from you mister Xavier?”

He rose his eyebrows “You should.”

“Oh.” He kissed his neck again, this time spending more time and getting lower to his collar bones “Like this?

“Stop or we’re never going to leave.” Charles chuckled. 

“Think about it. Starting the new year tangled in bed. Not bad?”

“No. We said we would go and besides don’t you want to celebrate?”

Erik made a grimace “Is it better than being alone with you? In a bed? Naked? Come on, Charles.” He tilted his head “Think better.” 

“We can do that afterwards.”

“Oh, we’ll do that afterwards.” He kissed his hand “I hope there’s enough champagne there to make me forget I would rather be somewhere else.”

“Somewhere else being my bed.” Charles chuckled. 

“Exactly.”

He shook his head “Just drive us there and forget about your libido for five or six hours, okay?”

“Don’t know if I can do that, it’s really challenging for me.”

“Oh I see.” He caressed his cheek “Perhaps thinking about how we’re going to spend the next day tangled in bed, with absolutely no one around us, will help.”

Erik nodded “It does.”

“And you’re going back to work the day free that.” He said sadly. 

“Don’t remind me.” He looked away “I already dread this. I got used to spend all of my days with you.”

“Me too. But we’re still going to see each other, I’ll sleep at yours, I will bring you lunch, we’ll have some weekends all for ourselves. It’s going to be great.”

“I feel like we’re in a very safe and warm bubble and then it’s going to end, not the relationship, but this.” He chuckled nervously “It must sound stupid.”

“It doesn’t. It really feels like what you just described. And we can have that again. But other things are good too. And I look forward to doing them with you.”

“Yeah...” He sighed “Or I should quit and tell them I’m focusing on my new passion.”

“Which is?” He laughed. 

“You.” Erik held his face “And I am so committed. I think I need more time to focus on that passion on mine. You know, really dedicate myself to the task.”

“Hm hm, that sounds really important. But we still need to leave, you’ll have time to dedicate yourself as you said, later.”

If reluctantly, Erik followed Charles, holding his hand as they left. And if Charles was really honest with himself a part of him really wanted to stay here too, not having to share him with anyone else. But he had been doing that a lot recently and his sister was waiting so they went. Charles had never been in Raven’s friend house but he had to say it was huge, it had a beautiful garden which Erik was already eyeing intensely and the rooms had enough space so any of them wouldn’t feel trapped and anyone would have enough room to move, which was really nice. 

After they warmly thanked the host and said hello to Raven and Irene and a few encounters of Charles, all related to Raven’s work and the easy way she had to talk to anyone. They found themselves in the garden, laying their backs on the fence, holding cartons of orange juices. Charles knew Erik had chose that drink because he didn’t want to expose him to more alcohol and would likely only drink one or two glasses of champagne during the night. It was truly thoughtful even though he felt a bit bad, everyone around them was drinking and he didn’t want Erik to refrain himself all the time because of him. He decided to act casual, they would talk about this later. “We really came here just to sit in the garden drinking orange juice.” Charles chuckled softly. 

“Takes me back to that birthday party...”

“Now I need to know more.” He rose his eyebrows. 

Erik laughed, shaking his head “There’s not a lot to tell. I was thirteen just arrived to the states. My English was...questionable and I was even worse socially speaking if you can believe it, so you can easily imagine I had no friend. Yet, there was this nice girl in my class, your level of nice, a thirteen year old saint. She invited everyone to her birthday party, my mother was ecstatic, her only son finally made friends. I didn’t have the heart to tell her, I didn’t, so I came and sat by her picket fence for the entirety of it. When everyone left she sat with me and we ate the last pieces of her birthday cake together. Then she gave me my first kiss.”

“You never told me that. How was it?”

“I remember the taste of vanilla and her strawberry chapstick. It’s strange how the mind can keep little details.” He shrugged “She was the sweetest girl in the school I don’t know why she picked me out of everyone else, I barely spoke to her after that.” 

“Oh you were shy?”

“Terribly. I didn’t know how to talk to people. They thought I was acting like this on purpose but honestly I was completely lost.” Erik laughed. 

“Yeah I guess people still make that mistake.”

“I’m a little less lost. Well not always but I do feel different. More steady on my feet and confident. Fortunately, I am more mature.”

Charles laughed. 

“You never told me about your first kiss either.”

He sighed “Believe me you don’t want to know.”

“But I do. Tell me.” 

“Okay, I was almost eighteen. I wasn’t the most popular person in college, I was overworked, pretty much friendless and I was so desperate that when this girl, I had no interest in, invited me on a date I said yes. I had never been on a date before, remember homeschooled, only friend was his sister so little me was excited. I put on extra effort and even tried to hide the dark circles under my eyes. She took me to a bar and when she kissed me I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. It terrified me, I felt broken like all those fairytales I grew up on and held onto were not meant for me. It took me a little more time to understand I couldn’t be interested in that girl or any other girl and that my stepfather was gone and I didn’t have to prove I was straight to him or anyone else. Still, it took a while for me to accept myself and I wish my first kiss had been a good memory, it just reminds me how lost I was back then.” 

“Well...” he took his hand “It makes me proud of you. You had to figure yourself out all by yourself while you took care of Raven and recovered from what you’ve been through and never had the change to acknowledge. Everything on your shoulders and you managed to find yourself, to accept who you are and what you wanted in this chaos. Who cares if it took a few years, it’s a lot of work and you did it all by yourself. If anything, it makes me love you more.”

Charles smiled shyly “I didn’t do anything special.”

“But you did.” He insisted “I don’t think you’re a superficial rich kid, I think you’re brave and you never let any bad thing that happened to you change who you are. You came out of it as the person you age today and that’s why I’m proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you too and you don’t have to tell me all the time. I know you didn’t mean it. And I am a rich kid, although I hope not too superficial.”

Erik laughed “When it comes to superficiality, you’re way below average but-“

“I swear, Erik if you make a dirty comment.”

“But your heart is way above average”

“Of course, I’ve got a big heart.” He rolled his eyes. 

“You really do.” 

They both looked up when Raven called them “What are you guys doing here? Are you competing for the most boring couple for the New Year?”

“I’d say are you nervous as previous winner but I don’t want to be offensive to Irene.” 

Raven gave him the finger “Be careful, Erik. You might become an old man like him soon.”

“Already am.” He smiled proudly. 

She shook her head at the both of them “Get up and enjoy the party at some point, please.”

“Of course.” Charles nodded “I have something for you, tomorrow.”

“Really?” Her eyes widened “Something I will love?”

“Something you absolutely love.”

Erik nodded “I second that.”

Raven rose her eyebrows and sat next to them “Now, that’s interesting. Tell me more.”

“You’ll get nothing until tomorrow.” Charles said firmly. 

“Oh, come on.” She pouted “Is it bigger than a breadbox?”

“It’s definitely smaller than a breadbox.” He laughed “Well, depends on the breadbox. But usually, way smaller.”

“Hm...Erik knows and I can’t know?”

“Yes.” Erik smiled “And I won’t say a thing.

“Of course you won’t.” She grimaced. 

“Is that so hard to wait for less than a day?” Charles asked. 

“Yes.” She answered “It totally is.” 

“Don’t you have a girlfriend to bother?” Erik rolled his eyes. 

Raven gave him the finger again “I was about to leave you grandpas aside anyway.” 

“Farewell, dear sister.” Charles waved as she left, shaking her head. Then he turned to Erik “But she’s right, we should get inside. You know, socialize a bit, dance and all.”

“Socialize?” He grimaced. 

“Yes.” He laughed “Now let’s go.”

Erik looked at Charles’ hand before taking it with a sigh as he got up “Alright. But we leave before 2 am. We’ll say we’re tired.” 

“Tired?”

He nodded as he led them inside “Exhausted. We just can’t wait to get in bed.”

“Hm hm. Now that you talk about it, I can feel the exhaustion. I think we should just sleep once we get home.” 

“Oh, I just can’t wait to be in bed.” He grinned “Our soft, warm bed. It would be too bad to not use such a welcoming space.” 

“To rest, of course.” 

“Amongst other things.” Erik smiled. 

“Hm, we’ll see.” 

Erik followed him again, holding his head as they rejoined the party inside. It was a little noisy but less than Charles would have imagined. They mostly talked to Irene and Raven but everyone else was awfully nice. Raven insisted on taking a double couple picture, which Erik rolled his eyes at but still took with them and then asked for her to send it to him. Erik did drink a glass of champagne right before midnight. And when the clock stroke midnight, Charles was kissing someone he loved for the very first time in his life. Or anyone at all, if he thought about it, it was the first real New Year’s Eve where he was happy and loved and everything felt right. He grasped the joy and warmth of it all and hoped that Erik felt as good as he did. Although, he was pretty sure that he did. 

Charles drove them back home, even though Erik wasn’t slightly drunk and “It’s my car, Charles. Let me drive it, you shouldn’t be trusted behind the wheels.” He did drive them, as they talked about the night and laughed at small things they saw, smiled at everything that made them happy and there was a lot of it recently. They arrived to Erik’s place, he had decided to stay there for the last day of Erik’s holiday, knowing it was what he wanted, to spend that last special day together in a place that felt safe and was his. Charles had to say that in some ways, he felt safer in Erik’s place now than his own, it was so intensely him, the furnitures and the colours and the details, it was uniquely Erik and that’s why he loved the appartement. 

It was three a.m when they fell into bed and none of them had enough energy to do anything other than lay there. Charles almost wanted to make fun of Erik’s determination to get his way during the day that had completely disappeared now but he was the first one to talk and he said something that made him so warm even though it had become an habit to hear by now. 

“You make me really happy.” He grinned “The happiest I have ever been.”

“You know you told me that at least a hundred times in a week?” Charles laughed. 

“I mean it. It’s been the best week of my life, that’s why I’ve been rambling like an old person.”

“That’s adorable, usually I do that.”

“Oh, don’t worry. You’re still a pro at this.” 

“Hey!” He hit his shoulder playfully “You’re getting pretty sappy and all rambling yourself so I wouldn’t brag too much if I were you.” 

“But I don’t. I’m just saying. You’re still better me than in the rambling field, doesn’t mean I don’t love it.”

“You better.” 

Erik held him close “I promise you I shall love your rambles for the rest of my life.”

He laughed softly “Good. I was planning to do that with you.”


	17. Valentine’s Day interlude

Erik took a long breath as he left the building, he was exhausted. Truly and throughly exhausted. This seminar had been hard, to say the least, interesting but hard. Mostly, he missed Charles. It was ridiculous but since they had been dating, they hadn’t spent a single day apart until then. Well, he hadn’t spent that much time apart from him since they met. It was a part of his routine now, he decided to call Charles now. They wouldn’t see each other tonight but at least he could show him how much he loved him. 

“Hey, my angel. I’m sorry I was busy the whole day. Happy Valentine’s Day!”

Erik could hear Charles’ smile when he answered “Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you!”

“I love you too. I can’t wait to be back home. You can’t imagine how much I miss you, it’s been five days and it feels like years. Here is the living proof that I cannot live without you.”

Charles laughed “This trip made you even more dramatic. How is this possible?”

“San Diego’s air.” He shrugged. 

“Hm hm.” He sighed “Are you enjoying your stay?”

“I haven’t seen much but offices and meeting rooms but I do love the city at night when I’m not too tired.”

“I’ll take care of you when you get home. I’ve watched massages and relaxation tutorials on YouTube. I am a new man.”

“You know I really don’t need a massage to relax.”

“Erik, did you just wink? You know that I can’t see you, right?”

He laughed “But you knew.”

“Yeah, because I know you.”

“How was your day?”

“Uneventful.” Charles sighed. 

“I’m really sorry we didn’t spend our first Valentine’s Day together. I never really cared about the day but it feels different now and it might be important for you.”

“It is. Because I am with you. We’ll have other occasions and we’ll get to celebrate when you come back. You don’t have to apologise.”

“I know, I’m just...” He laughed nervously “a little disappointed and sad not that I’m not with you.”

“Yeah...I am too. You’ll be in your room soon?”

“In a few minutes.”

“Good. You sound tired.”

“I am. But I can call you after I take a shower.”

“No, just rest. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you.” 

Erik’s heart still felt heavy, he would have really loved to spend the day with Charles or even just the evening, do something special for him, make sure he was happy. Valentine’s Day had never really meant anything, nothing but the trouble of finding a present and pick flowers for his girlfriend at the time. But now, he would give anything just to have Charles in his arms and spend the evening with him. He guessed he could do that soon and tried not to be sentimental about not spending their first Valentine’s Day together because he would never accept being such a cliché. He walked through the hotel, feeling utterly exhausted, thinking of a hot shower and warm bed. 

He opened the door of his hotel room with a worried look on his face, was he hearing some noise there? He didn’t ask himself more questions and got in. And wasn’t he surprised when he saw who was on his bed. 

“Charles! How did you get in here?” 

“What?” He laughed “No ‘I missed you’ No ‘I can’t believe you’re here, I love you!’ No ‘You look great.’ I’m a little disappointed.”

“Of course I missed you, and you look...amazing.” He said looking at the perfectly white suit “But still, how did you get here?”

“Emma. She stole your keys while you were in a meeting and let me stay there.”

“Figures.” He sighed “That is something she would do.”

“For a good cause.” Charles laughed. 

“Yes. Definitely.”

“Are you going to stand there all night and leave me on this bed all alone?”

Erik instantly went for a kiss, holding Charles close as he sat on the bed. He still barely could process the fact that Charles was here, in his hotel room, dressed in a beautiful white suit. He almost forgot his exhaustion. It was tempting to do so for the night, it was Valentine’s Day after all, Charles was here, he wanted nothing but to treat him to a nice dinner and make love to him and give him all the clichés from the rom-coms he loved so much. And yet, while he kissed him and felt so much love, he still desperately wanted to sleep. 

It was Charles who stopped the kiss, caressed his face as he looked at him before he spoke “You really look tired...” his voice was thoughtful “You look amazing, it’s even unfair how good you look.” He smiled “Just take a shower, relax a little. We’ll see after that. There’s no pressure, it’s okay if we just sleep.”

But that was the thing, Erik was tired but the thought of just sleeping while Charles was here and came all of this way for him bugged him. It didn’t make sense. He spent the last two nights craving him, wishing he could just hold him now that he was here he was certainly not going to waste his chance. So he grabbed Charles again and kissed him with more intensity. He wanted to show him he had missed him, that he wanted him. Charles responded in earnest and soon enough both of their shirts were on the floor. 

“Or we could do that.” Charles grinned. 

“I missed you.” He rasped “I thought about you every day.”

“Ohh what kind of thoughts?” He rose his eyebrows. 

“All kinds. I’d say depends on the time of the day but I’d lie. I’ve had some not so innocent thoughts in the middle of the day.”

“You mean surrounded by fifty people?”

“Yes.” He laughed. 

“That’s pretty adventurous.” 

“I am pretty adventurous.”

“I see that.” He beamed. 

“You were right...I need that shower.”

“Want me to join?” Charles titled his head. 

“No.” Erik caressed his cheek “If you join me, it will either end in us causing damage in that shower or me falling asleep, depends on where it gets us.” He rose an eyebrow “What you do to me.”

He chuckled “I see you already thought about the options.”

Erik nodded “I did. I know you will either give me one of your massages and soothe me to sleep or turn me on in an instant.” 

“I’m really good at both of these, that’s true.” 

“You are. Now let me get ready so we can go somewhere nice.” 

“We really don’t have to, you know. I don’t want to exhaust you...well I do want to exhaust you in a way. But I mostly want you to rest if you need it.”

“That doesn’t make sense, Charles.” He chuckled. 

“It did in my mind.” Charles pouted “You know what I mean, we can stay here if you’re too tired.” 

Erik shook his head “I’m not. Promise.”

“Double promise?”

He rolled his eyes “Double promise.” He kissed his forehead and left for the bathroom. 

When Erik saw himself in the mirror, it was clear he looked tired. The dark circles under his eyes, a testimony. But if Erik was anything it was stubborn and determined. And tonight he was determined to have a good time with his boyfriend that didn’t consist of him sleeping the whole night. He had other plans. In the shower, he thought about the perfect place, calm and private. They would go there, enjoy a delicious dinner and then he would enjoy his first Valentine’s Day with him like any couple would do, with enthusiastic sex...well he hoped because so far he had been closer to night-night tea and nine solid hours of sleep. But now that Charles was here, he felt weirdly protective of Valentine’s Day, it had been nothing but an overly commercial celebration to him before but now he would defend the flowers, chocolates and romantic comedies with everything he had. Because as stupid as it was, it meant something to him. 

He arrived in a room with nothing but nothing but a towel around his waist. Charles’ eyes got bigger “Put some clothes on or we’ll never leave this room.”

Erik shook his head “You’re terrible.”

“Terribly in love.”

He rolled his eyes “Please no corny lines of yours tonight.”

Charles gasped “I can’t believe you just said that! That’s literally Valentine’s Day, my time to shine!” 

“As far as I’m concerned I think you never waited for Valentine’s Day to use them.” 

He threw a pillow at Erik “You secretly love it.”

“Actually I do, you’re right.” He smiled. 

Charles smiled back softly. 

“You truly look amazing in that suit.” He said appreciating the view as he was getting dressed up himself. 

“Thank you, darling. You do too.” 

Erik shook his head “I look like shit. I don’t remember the last time I’ve had a good sleep schedule.” 

“You still are absolutely gorgeous. That’s the cross you have to bear, Erik, accept it.” 

He laughed “That’s terrible. How can i handle it?”

“Dating me helps I think.” 

He scoffed “How does that help?”

“You use that incredible physique of yours for a good cause, which is pleasing me.” 

Erik shook his head “You’re the worst!”

“What did Taylor Swift say again? ‘I’m a mess but the mess that you wanted’ that’s it exactly.”

“Please I know it’s Valentine’s Day but can you refrain from quoting Taylor Swift for one night?”

“And breaking the Valentine’s Day spirit? Never.”

Erik sat next to him “I’m really happy that you are here.” He touched his cheek gently “Maybe we should stay in that room, see where it takes us.”

Charles smiled “I know exactly where you want it to takes us. I told you, I don’t mind, whatever you prefer.”

“Yeah...” He looked at him in his beautiful suits, Charles rarely wore one unless he had to, and he did that just for Erik, for their Valentine’s Day together so they couldn’t just stay in his hotel room, it wouldn’t be right “We’ll save that for later. Let’s go enjoy that warm air.”

He took his hand “Let’s!”

Erik knew it was the right choice. Charles deserved only the best. Their first Valentine’s Day had to be memorable and perfect and a little fancy until...

“You really want to eat from that food truck?” Erik rose his eyebrows. 

“Hm hm. It looks great.” Charles confirmed. 

“You know I had a place in mind.”

“You always have a place in mind.” He pointed out “Besides, I don’t want to eat at a fancy restaurant that’s going to be crowded and exhausts both of us. Let’s just eat tacos in the park.”

“They make a really nice ratatouille at that restaurant.” 

“I’m sure they do. We’ll just wait forty minutes for it, by dessert you’ll be sleeping in your plate. Let’s keep it simple, what do you say?” 

“You are the least fancy rich kid I have ever met, you know that?” Erik laughed. 

“I do. That’s why you love me.” 

“One of the thousands of reasons.” He took his hand and kissed it “I really hope those tacos are good.” 

“Have I ever failed when finding a good food truck?” Charles rose his eyebrows in fake shock. 

“No. I have to admit you have never failed me when it comes to food trucks.” 

“See? Perfect idea.”

Erik found that Charles had been right about a food truck, once again. The tacos were great. He still regretted not treating him to that restaurant but Charles seemed and that was all that mattered to him. After all, it was the point of Valentine’s Da, make sure your partner was feeling good and he was, so the rest had no importance. The food was simple and there was no flower or chocolate or fancy jewelry and they didn’t need any of that to have a good time. Although, Erik did have a gift for him back at the hotel. 

Later, they were sitting on the grass. Finishing their tacos. 

“No, I wholeheartedly disagree.” 

“No, I am the one who disagrees.” Erik argued. 

“Well, you are also the one who’s wrong so...”

“Charles, you know what I do for a living. You know I will never give up.”

“I won’t give up either, darling.” 

“I cannot believe you actually believe that you are right about this.” He shook his head in disbelief. 

“But I am.” 

“You do not love me more.”

“But I do.” 

“I am sorry but you do not.” 

“Technically you have been in love with me for three months. I’ve been in love with you for two years and three months. So I win.” Charles pointed. 

“Technically, I had been repressing those feelings for a long time. So this doesn’t count.”

“It does! Because I want to win this. Because I do love you more.” 

“I, once again, disagree.”

Charles rolled his eyes “I’ll try and win this next time you’re drunk.”

“The technique of someone who knows he is wrong.” 

Charles kissed him “I’ll record you when you say it. Trust me.” 

“The practice of someone who knows he is wrong.” Charles gave him the finger as Erik gasped “And that’s the testimony of how wrong you are!”

Charles jumped on him “That’s not fair! It’s Valentine’s Day, you should let me win.” 

He rose his eyebrows “And why should I be the one who lest you win?”

“Because I am cuter.”

“True.” He admitted “But it doesn’t make you right.”

He pouted “It kinda does.”

“Doesn’t.” Erik shook his head. 

Charles decided to kiss him, either because he wanted to or to make Erik change his mind. Either way, it worked because it was so good to be with him after all those days, he almost wanted to give in, even though he knew Charles was definitely very, very wrong about that. 

When they came back to the hotel room, he had to admit he was exhausted still. After his coffee, he was still very much exhausted. Charles told him he definitely needed a shower after sweating in his suit all day waiting for Erik. He nodded, saying he would wait for him. He decided to take off most of his clothes, he would at some point, better do it now, he thought. And he laid down bellow the sheets because it was more comfortable. And he closed his eyes for good measure, only for a minute. 

A minute must have lasted longer since he woke up hours later, he saw Charles reading, he checked the clock it was 4 am. Shit, he thought so loud he might as well have said it, he had wanted for this night to be special and well, his exhaustion took over “I’m sorry.” Erik whispered. 

“For What?” He asked gently “Falling asleep? I think you fall right back into the dream world.” He caressed his face “I am going to leave my book at that chapter and we’ll fall asleep together. Good for you?”

He nodded “I wanted to do more.” 

“I know.” He dropped his book carefully on the nightstand “But it doesn’t matter, truly. We’ll have many, many opportunities. Your bed has more space and is more comfortable, anyway.” He shrugged before he turned the small light off “Now go back to sleep, love.”

He nodded as Charles rested his head on his chest “I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day.” 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, my darling.”


	18. January, 1st, 2022

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are, finally! the last chapter. i have loved writing this fic and i hope you enjoyed it too. i would like to dedicate this one to tati again, because they have been following the entire process and supported the fic even during this long, long hiatus

When Charles woke up, he was alone. The space next to him just a little warm still. The night had been short, just a few hours but he didn’t want to go back to sleep if he was alone. He would take a nap later today, preferably with Erik. Call him clingy but Erik was finally took his holiday and he wasn’t about to waste any minute they had together. So, he got up, put on a robe and walked to the living room where he found him, busy with a box that Charles had never seen before. When he greeted him, he was surprised and jumped a little “Oh God! I didn’t know you were there.”

“Is this where you hide a necklace for your secret affair?” He rose his eyebrows. 

Erik laughed, shaking his head “I won’t watch Love Actually with you next Christmas if you keep that up.”

He sat next to him “You must admit this is a rather peculiar box.”

“It’s just a box, Charles. I always had it under the bed.”

“I should check under the bed more often, then.” He frowned “But that’s where the monsters hide, everyone knows that.”

“Personally under mine, there’s only this box.”

“That’s what they want you to believe.”

He rolled his eyes “Want to get a look? I know you want to.”

Charles shrugged “You know me, I’m not curious. I’m not even slightly interested in knowing what’s inside but...since you insist.” He took the box “I will take a look.”

Erik laughed affectionately as Charles opened it and was instantly overwhelmed. Inside, he could find so many things, pictures of them, tickets of movies they had seen, of the ballet from October. He could find shells, a flower that had wilted long ago, postcards, letters, several small objects including a token. It was more than two years of relationship because there were things that dated from before, when they were best friends and Charles had no idea that it meant so much to Erik already but he kept everything and he was suddenly hit with emotion. But there was one thing was caught his eyes, one smaller box covered in red velvet that he didn’t dare to take in his hands and only looked at. 

Erik seemed to notice it and took it in his hands “Can you stay there for a while?”

Charles nodded not being able to do or say anything else as he watched him get on one knee in front of him. 

“Well I...I prepared something, in my head not on paper. I kept on thinking about it over and over. I tried to find the perfect words to express my feelings but every time it was different, I thought about new things to say because there’s so many things that I love about you, about our relationship. I’ve spent the two most beautiful years of my life with you and these four years with you feel like a privilege and I cherish them completely, every memory.” He smiled “I do. Lately, I just felt that we could start a new chapter, I don’t believe it’s going to change everything, I love our lives as they are but perhaps I want to feel even closer to you, know we are bound by something. You’ve changed my life forever when you spilled my drink that day in December, no one ever pierced through my soul like you did that day, no one ever scored in my heart so fast, so entirely. No one but you. And it took me a while but when I understood the depth of my feelings, what it meant, I never had anyone but you.” He took Charles’ hand brought it to his heart “Right there. You took your rightful place and now I want you to have another one, one that is yours just as much. Fifteen month ago, I asked you to live with me and living with you, even though you are the messiest person I know and you leave books and cups of tea everywhere has been wonderful. Waking up next to you every day and on occasion to you baking on Sundays has been everything that I ever needed. But today, I’m asking you to tie your life to mine forever. And it’s a strong word, a powerful one that once scared me but it doesn’t, not anymore. As this new year begins all I want to ask is...” He took a breath “Charles Francis Xavier, will you marry me and make me the happiest man on earth?”

Charles brought his hands to his mouth as Erik opened the little velvet box to show a gold ring. He had no idea Erik had marriage in mind, they of course dreamed about it sometimes but he had never seemed in a hurry and Charles was fine waiting, he knew he would marry him someday. He didn’t imagine it would he so soon. Before he could say yes, he nodded tears in his eyes, caught in his throat. Erik instantly came to hold him tightly. After a moment, he was finally able to speak and said yes over and over again. It was probably the happiest moment of his life. 

When Erik put the ring on his finger, he laughed softly “Where’s yours?”

“At the store. I had yours only a few days ago.” He caressed his hand. 

“It was under the bed all along?” Charles chuckled. 

Erik nodded “Yes.”

“I can’t believe we’re going to get married before Raven and Irene.”

Erik rose his eyebrows “Bold of you to assume Raven is not going to propose in the forthcoming days.”

He snorted “You’re probably right.”

“Mama already found a rabbi for us.”

“Your mother knows? No, wait, it doesn’t surprise me.”

“She even helped me with the ring. Said it was perfect for you.”

Charles looked at it, shining in the morning light “I love it.”

Erik kissed his hand “I’m happy that you do. It’s not too soon right?”

He shook his head “I’ve loved you for four years, it’s not too soon.”

“Good. Good.” He chuckled “Because I couldn’t wait anymore.”

Charles smiled “You have a date in mind?”

“June or July.”

He nodded “June could be good, just before summer. A quiet place. Not many people unless you want a big wedding.”

Erik laughed softly “You know I don’t want one. It could be just us, my mother, your sister and Irene, and a few friends and I would be good with that.”

“Small wedding, I’d like that.”

“Anything you want. You already accept to have a Jewish wedding, the rest is for you to choose. Anything that will make you happy.” 

“Marrying would make me happy.” He smiled “We could get married in your mother’s backyard and I would be fine with it.” 

They both laughed. 

“We can do a little bigger than that.” Erik caressed his cheek “But I’ll be happy just marrying you too.”

Charles looked at his hand, putting it up “Would I sound like a cliché if I say I love the ring? I hoped for a diamond but I really like this one.” 

“A diamond uh?”

“A big one.” He nodded. 

“Alright, Marilyn Monroe. Keep that in mind for your next husband.” 

Charles rose his eyebrows “Are you joking on me having another husband after you? Who are you and what have you done with Erik Lehnsherr?”

He chuckled “Just trying to keep up with you and your tendency to humour me all the time.”

“You secretly love it.”

“Very secretly.”

“Hey!” He hit his shoulder “You’re the one who asked me to marry you.” 

“I did.” Erik took him into his arms and held him close “I did.”

“And I said yes.” 

“You said yes.” Erik echoed, his smile obvious in his voice. 

“You’re warm.”

He laughed “That’s a strange thing to say but with you it doesn’t surprise me anymore.”

“But that’s true.” He mumbled into the fabric “I love that sweater, it’s so soft. And you’re warm. Every time you hold me, you are exactly the right temperature.”

Erik shook his head “How can you make this sound good?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. You’re the one who wants to marry me.”

“That I do.”

They were about to kiss when they were interrupted by an old ginger cat jumping on Charles’ knees. 

“Oh pumpkin!” He exclaimed “Can you believe I am engaged?”

“I can’t believe I let you call this cat Pumpkin.” He sighed. 

“Well, he’s a ginger.” He said as if it explained everything and kept on petting the cat. 

“Right.” Erik decided to pet the cat too “Breakfast?”

“Yes! Pancakes?”

“You always want pancakes.” He kissed his forehead. 

Charles shrugged “You make great pancakes.” 

Erik smiled as he left the room. 

Pumpkin instantly laid on Charles’ lap, very determined to take his morning nap there. Charles sighed, it was a lovely morning. A very beautiful day. He remembered growing up without knowing what home or safety felt like and now that he knew, that it was everywhere around him, it overflowed him with love and happiness. Making the hardest times bearable and the good ones even better. It was a wonderful feeling that was constantly growing and became so bright when Erik asked for his hand. He had thought about it, often, these last months but everything was so perfect that he kept on telling himself it could wait. Yet, when Erik asked he didn’t wonder. He just knew. He knew he loved him beyond words, always had, always will. He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, he had always wanted to, one way or another, as his husband was certainly the best option he could imagine. He knew he had never been happier. He knew he was loved entirely and he loved just as much. Yes, it truly was a perfect day and it was only the beginning. 

“Yes, Pumpkin.” He petted the cat “I have a good feeling about this.”


End file.
